


A Little Bit Of Something

by Mntsnflrs



Series: Live It Up [2]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Individual Scenes, M/M, Mentions of Violence, because apparently Hisoka/Illumi is all I can write at the moment, tags to be added as chapters develop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-14
Updated: 2017-06-19
Packaged: 2018-08-31 00:18:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 28,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8555287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mntsnflrs/pseuds/Mntsnflrs
Summary: Individual drabbles that can be read as a stand alone or as a sequel. Hisoka and Illumi would never be the types to have an easy relationship- not if they could help it.





	1. Flowers

**Author's Note:**

> You don't have to have read my other fics to read this, though it would probably be best, just an fyi! 
> 
> Song for the first chapter: Good Side In by The Japanese House
> 
> (also I am no flower specialist so this is all based off online research)  
> I hope you guys enjoy, because you're the ones that keep pulling me back into Hisoillu hell and I am suffering!! xo

Illumi blinked down at Hisoka's hands. "What are those?''

Hisoka smiled. "Flowers. For you, of course."  
  
He continued to stare. "You got me flowers."  
  
Hisoka passed them over for Illumi to hold. They were wrapped neatly in string and purple ribbon, the flowers a strange mixture. Tuberose. Hibiscus. Yellow tulips. Jasmine. Calla lilies. Ranunculus. They were all very beautiful.  
  
Illumi was confused.  
  
"Thank you, they are lovely." He said, pressing a brief kiss to Hisoka's smiling lips. "Do you have a vase?"  
  
"Under the sink." Hisoka replied, leaning against the kitchen counter as he watched Illumi begin to arrange the flowers. It was odd behaviour, even for Hisoka. When Illumi had woken to find Hisoka's side of the bed empty, it had been rather surprising. He was usually the first to wake. And then he had wandered out in leggings and an oversized shirt to find the rest of Hisoka's apartment empty and cold.  
  
"Aren't you going to ask why?" Hisoka asked after a moment of quiet, slipping closer to Illumi to run a gentle hand down his slightly messy hair. He had not had time to brush it before Hisoka had returned with his arms full of flowers and secrets in his eyes.  
  
"I often find that with you, ignorance is bliss." Illumi replied, still sorting the flowers. He did like flowers. They were beautiful and brief, and they smelled nice. He'd only mentioned this to Hisoka once, many months ago. It was a wonder that he had remembered. The thought warmed Illumi slightly.  
  
Hisoka laughed low in his throat and moved his hand away to pluck one of the cheerful yellow tulips out of the vase. "It's your birthday, Illumi."  
  
Illumi's hands slowed to a stop amongst the flowers. "...oh." He had not celebrated his birthday since he was a young child. But this made him twenty seven. And it marked the exact date, fifteen years ago, when he met Hisoka for the first time.  
  
He squinted at Hisoka. "What have you done?"  
  
Hisoka smiled at him, ghosting the tulip over his own lips as he replied with another question. "Why so suspicious?"  
  
"Because this is strange behaviour. You have known me a long time, and never once have you acknowledged my birthday."  
  
Hisoka shrugged slowly. "Well this is the first year that we're in a relationship and you're in my apartment on your birthday. Maybe I just wanted to make it special."  
  
Illumi's gut tightened. "This is too nice. Hisoka, you are not a nice person. What is going on?"  
  
"I thought ignorance was bliss, Illu?"  
  
"Hisoka."  
  
"Hm. Maybe I'm just a romantic at heart."  
  
His pulse was pounding. Was Hisoka going to try and start a fight again? It had been months since they last really tried to kill each other. Was this a trick? Was he bored of Illumi now? Hisoka was a fickle man, and Illumi wasn't stupid.  
  
"Maybe you should give me a definitive answer instead of offering up weak and unlikely possibilities." The cutlery draw was next to his left hand. He was fast. Very fast. Could he get a knife before Hisoka moved? He kept his eyes trained on Hisoka. Neither were using nen, but the tension in the air was almost palpable.  
  
Hisoka still had that damned tulip against his lips. It stood out against his indigo outfit and brought out the yellow in his eyes. "Are you really going to start a fight because I brought you flowers for your birthday?"  
  
Illumi's voice was flat when he spoke. "I do not celebrate my birthday, and neither does my family. Why would you?"  
  
"Because you like flowers and I love you."  
  
Whenever Hisoka said _love_ the word seemed to purr out of his mouth. At first it had made Illumi more uncomfortable than anything. Hisoka was the only person who felt it appropriate to tell Illumi he was loved. Now the word brought a warmth, but also a fragility. Illumi was not a fragile person. He was barely a person at all, most of the time.  
  
He didn't know what to do, or to say.  
  
"I do not understand." was what he finally settled on. If it had been Hisoka's birthday, Illumi wouldn't have thought to get him flowers.  
  
"I know you don't, but that's fine. You'll figure it out eventually." Hisoka stepped forward. "The flowers all have meanings, you know. I did some research."  
  
By this point Illumi almost didn't want to know what they meant. He felt like it would either result in an extremely violent fight, or with him a cringing mess. He didn't know what to do with the situation at all. _This is not how I expected my Sunday morning to go._  
  
Hisoka didn't seem to mind, however. He stepped forward again, and Illumi took a step back. _A tactical retreat_ , he said to himself. One that didn't work, as it left him pressed into the corner of the kitchen with Hisoka crowding him against the bench, that lazy smile still gracing his mouth as he dragged the tulip down the side of Illumi's face.  
  
"Hibiscus symbolise a delicate beauty. Of course, you're nothing close to delicate darling, but you are so pretty."  
  
Illumi's pulse thudded dully. He felt trapped. Hisoka was only half an inch taller, but in those heels it felt like he towered over Illumi. And he was so broad. Illumi didn't feel threatened, but he didn't know _what_ he felt. His mind was a turbulent mess.  
  
"Callas mean regality." Hisoka said, watching with lewd eyes as he trailed the tulip down Illumi's neck. Half of Illumi wanted to fuck that smirk away, half of him wanted to curl up into a ball and hide his face. He could only imagine what his expression was doing. His face felt too hot.  
  
"Jasmine means grace and elegance." Hisoka's smirk widened. "You move like a dancer. It gets me so worked up when I get to watch you kill. You're above them _all,_ Illumi."  
  
"Stop it." Illumi whispered. He didn't know what to do with compliments. Was he meant to say thank you? But Hisoka seemed to be getting as much out of this as Illumi, if not more. He was enjoying Illumi's discomfort.  
  
Hisoka leant forward and, when he found Illumi unmoving, trailed his lips along the side of Illumi's neck, where the tulip had graced. His mouth was soft and a little damp, and Illumi had to fight down a shudder at the light touch. "Tuberose symbolise pleasure." He breathed a laugh against Illumi's skin. "I'm sure I don't have to explain my reasoning behind that one."  
  
Illumi was getting hard. He was getting hard because of this tenderness; this quiet, gentle, warped moment. Hisoka placed a soft, dragging kiss at the junction between Illumi's neck and shoulder, hands sliding around his waist.  
  
"Ranunculus symbolise radiance. You're so dark, Illu, but you _shine_."  
  
And then they were kissing. There was no teeth, no blood, no bruising force. Just Hisoka leaving delicate butterfly kisses across Illumi's face before finally licking his way into Illumi's mouth with a muted moan, and Illumi fell open under the touch. He felt like he was floating, he felt soft and malleable and calm in a way he rarely ever had before. Softness was not something that he associated with himself, or with Hisoka. Yet here they were, kissing by gifted flowers on a sleepy Sunday morning in Hisoka's kitchen and it was Illumi's birthday. He had never expected a sense of domesticity, or to enjoy it, and yet his hands curled tighter in Hisoka's hair and he lifted himself up to follow Hisoka's mouth when he went to pull away.  
  
 _What would mother say if she saw me now?_ But for the first time it didn't stop Illumi from kissing Hisoka, it didn't make him jerk himself away from the closeness, it didn't make him any less warm at the thought of Hisoka leaving the apartment in the early hours of the morning to go searching for specific flowers just to compliment Illumi. Hisoka had monopolised his thoughts, at least for the moment, and Illumi couldn't bring himself to mind.  
  
Hisoka laughed into Illumi's mouth before he lifted his head with a grin. "I was going to get you a shirt that said _this ass don't quit_ , but I thought you'd prefer the flowers."  
  
All the softness deflated. Illumi stomped on Hisoka's foot and pushed him out of the way. "You are incorrigible."  
  
"And you're painfully bad with social etiquette. Are we just stating faults now?"  
  
Illumi rolled his eyes and ignored the urge to smile when Hisoka leaned in close tucked the tulip behind Illumi's ear. "If we spent our time stating each others faults we would be here far too long."  
  
Hisoka laughed. "You're right. It doesn't bode well when the first thing on both of our lists would be bloodthirsty murderers, does it?"  
  
Illumi reached up for the tulip and examined it. The petals were buttery soft, and the yellow was such a bright colour. He put it in the vase with the rest of the flowers.  
  
"Do the tulips mean something too?" He asked as he lifted the vase and took it into the open plan living room. Hisoka stayed in the kitchen, his voice carrying through and stopping Illumi in his tracks.  
  
"Yellow tulips mean hopelessly in love."  
  
Illumi put the vase down very gently on the coffee table and stared at it for a moment. _Love._ That word again that made his chest clench.  
  
The air shifted, a slight breeze the only warning that Hisoka had come up behind Illumi. He snaked his hands around Illumi's hips and pressed a kiss to his hair. "Do you have any contracts today?"  
  
"Only one, I need to leave in the evening." He answered automatically, still staring at the cheery flowers that held the weight of Hisoka's words within them.  
  
Hisoka's grip tightened. "Then we have all day, don't we?"  
  
Illumi didn't need that clarifying. He turned to face Hisoka and met the hot gaze of those golden eyes, so like the tulips. Hopelessly in love? Well, it was more likely than not.

  
-

  
  
"I do not know flower meanings, but if you were a flower I think it would be the Oleander."  
  
Hisoka looked over, sweaty and sated and languid. "Oh? Why is that?"  
  
Illumi shrugged. "They are pink and poisonous."  
  
And Hisoka laughed so loudly that the people on the floor above started shouting.


	2. Mother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Agnes Obel- It's Happening Again
> 
> Thinking about Illumi's isolation as a child before his siblings were born got me real deep.
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoy! xo

"He's going to be so strong! You should be pleased, Silva!" Kikyo's shrill voice rang through the halls, and Illumi could hear her clearly from his position hidden at the top of the stairs. He knew they were talking about him again.  
  
"The colouring isn't right."  
  
"But look at Milluki, he's the same as Illumi! Black hair, black eyes, why does the heir need to have blue eyes? Illumi is perfect! Obedient and strong, he could easily grow up to be stronger than both of us!"  
  
Illumi couldn't see their expressions, but he could feel the tension rolling through the room. He didn't like this argument. He was the eldest, the first born. What would be be if not the Zoldyck heir? At eight years old he had already killed so many. What else could he be?  
  
"He can, and he will. But he may not be the heir."  
  
"Isn't it a bit late to decide that, Silva? Eight! He is eight! And eight years is a long time to train for a position he might not fill." Kikyo hissed. Illumi's stomach knotted. She was upset; he could hear the tremors in her voice. He didn't like it when she was upset. Illumi had learned to dread the blind look in her eyes when she was angry.  
  
"We will continue to train him as the heir. If we are unsuccessful then yes, he will inherit, but only then. If not, his experience could help once we have a third child, or a fourth. Even if he is not our heir, he is still our eldest, and that has duties in itself. Calm yourself Kikyo."  
  
A third child? A fourth? Milluki was still a baby; chubby and prone to wailing. Was he not good enough?  
  
Was Illumi not good enough?  
  
He didn't want to hear anymore. Standing silently, he made his way along the hall to Milluki's nursery. Illumi's room was far away, at the other side of the house so that his training and erratic hours wouldn't disturb Milluki's sleep.  
  
One of the butlers was sat in Milluki's room when he entered, though she stood to attention when he stepped through the door.  
  
"Illumi-sama? Can I help you with something?" She had a soft voice, just right for soothing a wayward baby. Milluki was sat on the floor playing with little blocks, burbling in a strange way that seemed to make him giggle. Illumi stared. Had he done that as a baby?  
  
"Illumi-sama?" The butler prompted, her big brown eyes wide and gentle. She was pretty, tall with dark skin and a shaved head. Illumi didn't recognise her.  
  
"Are you new?" He asked, voice barely audible. He felt like he was encroaching on this soft and happy place; the one room in the house not stained by regimented duty and coldness. He was not meant to be a part of this warmth.  
  
She smiled again, bowing shortly. "I am indeed new. My name is Ashaki. I am here to offer any help you need."  
  
Illumi looked back to his brother. Milluki's silky black hair was a wild nest that flopped into his eyes as he started sucking on his hand. Illumi's eyes widened.  
  
"Why is he doing that?" He asked. Ashaki turned to follow Illumi's gaze and started laughing when she realised what he meant.  
  
"He's just a baby, Illumi-sama! Everything is new and exciting, even his own hands."  
  
He couldn't help but frown. "That is very unhygienic."  
  
Ashaki smiled again. Why did she keep smiling? "It is, Illumi-sama. That's why I'm here, to make sure Milluki-sama doesn't get sick or touch anything that could make him ill."  
  
Illumi knelt down next to his brother and gently pulled the slobbery fist away from his mouth. Milluki's face scrunched up in anger, but before he began to cry he became distracted by Illumi's own hair, hanging loose over his shoulders and down his back.  
  
Raising his other, thankfully dry hand, Milluki grabbed a handful of Illumi's hair and yanked. Illumi's head followed, his scalp smarting at the sharp tug as Milluki giggled and squinted his eyes in happiness. Somewhere behind Illumi, Ashaki laughed again, and it was soft and warm and floated across Illumi's skin in soothing waves. His cheeks warmed as he removed himself from Milluki's grip, stroking one finger against his brother's chubby face. He didn't know why he did it, only that he'd seen his mother do it on the occasion she spent time with Milluki. It seemed like the right thing to do, and indeed Milluki giggled again, showing off all four of his teeth.  
  
"He can tell you're brothers, Illumi-sama," Ashaki said with a laugh as Illumi stood once more and turned to face her. "It's not often he's laughed like that- not even around your father!"  
  
No doubt. Illumi never had the urge to laugh around his father, why would a baby? Ashaki seemed to see this in his gaze as she laughed again, leaning forward to stroke a hand down his hair. Illumi froze rigid under the touch, unsure.  
  
Ashaki removed her hand with a rueful grin. "Sorry, don't like touch? I should have asked."  
  
"No." Illumi protested, taking one small step forward. Only his mother had ever touched him affectionately, and even that was rare. Ashaki was generous with her smiles and her touches in a way his parents had never been, as long as Illumi could remember. He had been smiled at more times in these short minutes than he had at any other point in his life. "I don't mind it."  
  
"You don't?" Ashaki asked, leaning forward to stroke another gentle hand down Illumi's hair. He forced down the urge to lean into the touch. It ticked slightly, along his roots, and made him want to close his eyes. Ashaki continued for a time- likely a few minutes, but to Illumi it felt like hours. He was trying not to think about his father's icy voice addressing his mother with such a dismissive attitude. When Ashaki eventually pulled her hand away she rearranged his hair once more, tucking the long strands behind his ear as Milluki continued to speak in his unidentifiable baby language.  
  
"You are a very sweet boy, Illumi-sama." She said. He decided not to tell her that only yesterday he had been on a mission with his father and had strangled three people.   
  
"Will you be here tomorrow?" He asked, voice neutral but his heart squeezing tight in his chest.  
  
"Yes, I will be. And the day after that. Your grandfather has assigned me a permanent place as Milluki-sama's nursemaid." She paused to smile dotingly at him. "Why? Are you going to come back and visit?"  
  
"Perhaps." He replied, turning away as not to show his pink cheeks. "To check on Milluki."  
  
"Of course." She said, more of that cheerful laughter in her voice. "So young and already such a loving brother. Come back soon, Illumi-sama."  
  
He left the room in silence, closing the door with a quiet click before he made the long walk back to his own room. He checked one of the many clocks; dinner was in half an hour. That meant he had some time to change and bathe. Perhaps Zeno would tell him another story about his adventures as a child. His life sounded very different to Illumi's, but then again, he was young well over a lifetime ago.  
  
"Illumi." He turned towards the voice of his mother; she was stood at the top of the stairs with a blank smile that didn't reach her eyes.  
  
"Yes mother?" He asked.  
  
"How is Milluki?"  
  
Illumi swallowed, his pulse thudding off rhythm. "Milluki is fine."  
  
Kikyo stepped forward, resting one thin hand on his shoulder. It was feathery light, but Illumi felt like he was being pressed into the floor by a boulder.  
  
"And what do you think of the new butler?"  
  
He tried to keep his expression blank. "Adequate."  
  
"Good, good. Run along now, dinner is shortly and your father has more training scheduled for after dinner. He has decided you are old enough to begin building up your poison resistance."  
  
"Yes, mother." Avoiding her eyes he continued on to his room, feeling her stare follow him down the hall and continue even as he closed the door.  
  
-  
  
The next day he went to the nursery again, found Milluki happy and oblivious as a short, plump woman with auburn hair tidied his toys with a scowl. He opened the door halfway and curled his fingers around the wood, unwilling to fully enter the room.  
  
"Where is Ashaki?" He asked quietly, making the woman jump, a hand pressed to her heart. Milluki burbled more gibberish.  
  
"Illumi-sama, you should not sneak up on people!" She snapped. Illumi's hands tensed on the door and the wood groaned slightly.  
  
"Where is Ashaki?" He repeated again, knowing the answer. _My fault. My fault. What have I done?_  
  
"Was she the last nurse?" The woman asked, kneeling down to scrub viciously at a stain in the carpet with a rag.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"I'm not sure then. You probably know better than I do what happens to the butlers that get fired. Your mother had some kind of issue with her." She raised herself to her full height, hands on her hips. "And she told me you shouldn't be coming in here and interfering with Milluki while he's so young."  
  
Illumi knew full well what happened to the butlers that were 'fired'. _My fault._  
  
He left the room without speaking, walked quietly downstairs to find his mother sat beside the fire in one of the studies, her eyes already on the door when Illumi slipped in.  
  
"Illumi," she said warmly, patting her knees. "Come and sit in front of your mother. Let me braid that pretty hair, hm?"  
  
He did so obediently, sitting at her feet and holding still as her trembling hands gathered his hair and began separating it.  
  
"Have I ever told you about the time a man came into our house and tried to hurt me?" Kikyo asked in a light voice as she began her work on his hair. Illumi shook his head slightly.  
  
"I was pregnant with you, Illumi. About eight months along. I already loved you dearly, as did your father. This man who came into our house in the dead of night was an old associate of your father, one who had grown bitter and dangerous over the years. He didn't like the idea of more Zoldycks, so he decided to sneak into the house and try and cut you out of me. Your grandfather was on a job in York Shin, and I was here with just your father. Do you know what happened?"  
  
Illumi could imagine what had happened, but he felt sick and desperately faint, so kept quiet.  
  
Kikyo continued. "Silva was very angry. The man died, though it was after a very long time. No mercy was offered." She picked up another handful of his hair and continued to weave it deftly. "What I'm trying to explain is that threats to the family come in all shapes and forms- from people you wouldn't expect. An whether you, or me, or your father or your brother, you wouldn't want to endanger a member of the family, would you Illumi?"  
  
"No, mother." He whispered.  
  
"Good boy. That's why we need to stay as a unit. We only need each other. To rely on others, to trust others- that would be our downfall. You don't want to cause that, do you?"  
  
"No."  
  
After a quiet pause, she asked: "Do you love me, Illumi?" Her voice was soft and pleasant; Illumi felt nauseous with guilt. He had wanted a friend, but he hadn't wanted any of this. Not Ashaka's death. Not his mother's soothing voice and vicious blame.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Will you say it?"  
  
"I love you mother."  
  
She paused the braid to stroke one hand down his cheek. "You're a good boy. My good boy. My eldest. You're a good son, aren't you Illumi?"  
  
He linked his fingers together tightly, hands in his lap. "I hope so."  
  
"I hope so too. You will always put the family first?"  
  
He felt like he could throw up. "I will always put the family first, mother."  
  
"And you love me, dearly."  
  
"I love you dearly."  
  
She patted his shoulder, indicating she was finished with his hair, and he turned slowly to face her.  
  
"I understand it's not entirely your fault darling, you must know that," she said, stroking his face with her soft hands and her long, dangerous nails. "Sometimes a wolf enters the pack in disguise." Her voice hardened. "But as the Shepard, it's my job to make sure that the wolf doesn't hurt my flock. Illumi, the Zoldycks are not sheep, but the world is full of wolves. Keep away, and keep the family safe, that is your duty, passed down to the eldest child. You will live for your siblings, do you understand me?"  
  
"Yes." He said quietly. Oh he _hated_ her for a moment, with all the force of a child's passion, hated the fact that he was allowed close to no one else.  
  
He was lonely, somewhere deep down inside beneath the years of drilled training and constant isolation.  
  
"Good." Kikyo replied. "Because I would hate to have to remind you where your loyalties lie. Not with a friend you make, not with a _butler_." She sneered the word. "But with your family. Your mother."  
  
"Of course." He said woodenly. _She was nice to me. You killed her for being nice to me._  
  
"Softness is not to be tolerated; not by me, not by your father, and not by your grandfather. Softness is weakness, and the weakest link in the chain will always be cut out. The sooner you learn this the better. As my son, you will obey the rules. Am I understood?"  
  
"Yes mother." His fear was gone now. A strange hollow was in its place; a strange calm that kept his gaze steady as it met his mother's eyes and kept his mind from the thought of the mangled bodies of the butlers that were often removed under his father's supervision. Ashaki deserved better than that. But it was too little too late. A pointless thought. She was gone, and what remained was his family.  
  
  
-  
  
  
  
Illumi woke slowly, opening his eyes to stare up at the ceiling. The sky outside was staring to lighten, pink and blue hues that cast lights across the room.  
  
Hisoka was still asleep, on his side and curled into the middle of the bed. The longer Illumi looked at him, the more his rapid heartbeat calmed. Hisoka was not beautiful or composed in sleep. He just looked like a man. Stubble darkened his jaw, and his bright hair was a mess. He was wearing no makeup, and his face was half squashed into the pillow.  
  
 _"When can I meet your parents officially? They're so powerful. I want to meet your mother."_ He had inquired the previous night.  
  
 _"Not yet._ " Illumi had replied, and then changed the subject.  
  
He continued to watch Hisoka in sleep, and thought about the many ways his mother would draw out Hisoka's death. For days. Weeks.  
  
Silva and Zeno could be convinced of Hisoka's use perhaps. After all, he was strong. It was easy to forget, sometimes, that underneath the trickery Hisoka held the power of a titan within the body of a man. But Kikyo wouldn't care.  
  
And even the titans were outclassed eventually.  
  
Hisoka shifted in his sleep, and a hand came over to clasp Illumi's cold arm, grip tight and warm and secure. Hisoka relaxed and settled again. Illumi closed his eyes with a sigh, trying to drown out the voice in his head that chanted _rule breaker_ over and over. Hisoka was beside him, gentler in sleep than he ever was awake. And Illumi knew.  
  
 _I am not ready to give this up yet._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This wasn't what I intended for the second chapter by my mind apparently likes to run rampant when I type and now here we are.   
> I hope you enjoyed! xo
> 
> p.s comments and kudos fuel this overtired university student so know I love u all but esp the ones that leave me something to smile about <3


	3. Jealousy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song for this chapter: Burning Bone (ft Kyrstyn Pixton) by Lynx
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy! xo

 

Hisoka's relationship with Illumi was surprisingly easy, most of the time. He liked to treat Illumi softly, sometimes, and watch the surprise and embarrassment bloom across his face. Other times he liked to be rough, and Illumi did too. They would fuck mercilessly, laughing breathlessly. They often killed together, and Hisoka had grown fond of Illumi's invigorated state after a successful mission. 

They could spend hours talking. Anywhere- sat at a table and being served food Hisoka couldn't even name, or walking through streets, close enough to touch but preferring to let the subtle hum of awareness linger at the edge of their senses, or sometimes at night, in bed, when everything was dark and quiet and muffled by gentle sleep. They talked about the weather and art and people and places. They talked about books, poetry, targets, ambitions.

They didn't talk about their pasts, and they didn't talk about family.

It had never bothered Hisoka. Illumi's questions about Hisoka's childhood went unanswered, and most of Hisoka's questions regarding Illumi's parents and siblings were met with a cold and frigid silence. Illumi found it difficult to discuss personal things.

It didn't bother Hisoka.

Until it did.

 

-

 

He didn't know Angelica. She was a pretty middle aged woman with olive skin and dark hair, a pleasant expression and eyes the colour of cherry oak. She was an obscenely strong conjurer; on Hisoka's scale she was at least an eighty seven.

Angelica looked at Illumi like she knew him.

"It's great to see you, Illumi!" She exclaimed, eyes bright, hands full of shopping. They'd just left a nice restaurant, but Hisoka felt the seafood he'd eaten turn sour as she continued to speak. "Goodness me you've grown! Are you still with that young man- oh, what was his name. Katsuro? And how are your dear parents? Is Kikyo still enviously gorgeous?"

Katsuro? Hisoka didn't know a Katsuro. Hisoka didn't know Angelica, but she was looking at Illumi with affection, and Illumi was looking at her with something vaguely soft behind his blank expression.

"No, Katsuro and I haven't seen one another in years, Angelica. Mother and father are well, and mother looks much the same. How are your children?"

And she laughed, loud and harsh and proud. Her expression turned fierce. "Oh they're wonderful! They blew up their father's house for my birthday." She sniffed emotionally. "It was beautiful."

Illumi's mouth twitched into some semblance of a smile. "I am glad. Father always said they had lots of potential." He paused, glancing at Hisoka out of the corner of his eye. Hisoka smiled, and Illumi's expression tensed slightly. "I am sorry for being so rude, Angelica. This is my associate Hisoka."

Hisoka shook her hand with a grin. "It's a pleasure."

Angelica laughed again and smacked Illumi on the shoulder. "I better be going, this one looks like he wants to set me on fire!"

Hisoka blinked. _Excuse me?_ Illumi gave him a look of at him mild confusion, but Angelica's eyes were all too knowing. She kissed Illumi on the cheek and leant close to Hisoka, patting him on the back and leaning close to his ear.

"You think I don't know possession when I see it, kid?" She whispered, voice full of mirth. "Be careful. Zoldycks are wily. This one is nice to look at, but they're all tricky. Sometimes when the key doesn't work, you just have to force the lock."

And she left in a flurry of overflowing shopping bags and long, pink skirts. Hisoka swallowed slightly. It was very easy to forget sometimes that nen wasn't the only form of strength. Angelica however, seemed the kind of woman who could reduce a person to nothing without touching them. He turned to Illumi, who was now staring Hisoka with a tight expression.

"Can I help you?" Hisoka asked, forcing a small smile. Angelica. Katsuro. He didn't know these people. Illumi did. And they knew him.

Illumi turned away, shaking his head slightly. "Lets go back to your appartment."

 

-

 

Silence between them was common, but rarely ever awkward. This prolonged quiet probably would have felt awkward if Hisoka had been concentrating. But he wasn't. He was thinking of Illumi's slight smile, the way his dull eyes had brightened just a little at the sight of Angelica. The tiny but rueful twitch of his lips at the mention of Katsuro. It hit Hisoka again.

He'd known Illumi for years and years and years, but what he knew- what was willingly told- probably couldn't fill a glass.

He walked ahead a little in order to unlock the apartment door, but Illumi moved past him once it was open. The swing of his hair distracted Hisoka slightly as he toed off his shoes and took of his tie and suit jacket.

Hisoka had chosen a plain suit, mainly because he liked the way his ass looked and his waist was highlighted. Illumi had worn form fitting trousers and a navy turtleneck that hid the mutilation of his neck; the collection of fresh and fading bruises and bite marks that started just behind his ear and climbed their way down to his shoulder. They'd both gotten some appreciative glances during the meal, most people not even bothering to try and be discreet. Hisoka enjoyed the attention, but Illumi seemed oblivious; just kept cutting tiny pieces of bloody steak and chewing, his eyes on his plate as they talked about mundane things. How terribly domestic it was.

Hisoka didn't feel domestic anymore. _Are you still with that young man Katsuro?_  The question was nagging at him. Illumi went into the bedroom. Hisoka went into the kitchen and turned on his coffee maker.  _How are your parents?_ And the instant reply. _They are well_. The smell of caffeine filled the air.

Illumi came into the kitchen wearing plain black compression trousers and a matching black shirt, running shoes in one hand. His hair was tied up neatly and Hisoka could see the shadow of his marks against that pale skin. Illumi looked at Hisoka with calm eyes. "I am feeling restless. Will you train with me?"

_Are you still with that young man Katsuro?_

Love is a funny thing. Hisoka had read stories of beautiful love. Slow romance, long gazes, lingering touches. He'd laughed at the happy endings and laughed at the tragic ones. Love. He loved everyone that had the potential to destroy. So what was this? The hot, sick feeling in his chest that told him to throw Illumi on the floor and claim him so thoroughly that even the mention of another person's name would have him seeking Hisoka's touch.

"Sorry, maybe later. I've just made coffee. Do you want some?"

Illumi dropped his shoes. "No." He continued to stare, expression as serious as ever. "Tell me what is wrong with you."

 _Hisoka, love isn't pretty. I hope for your sake you always stay this selfish little brat._ He remembered the words, the rasp of the gentle voice, the scratch of broken nails against his scalp. The smell of smoke and blood. _Love is an obsession, baby._

"Who is Angelica?"

Illumi cocked his head, eyes slightly suspicious. "An old friend of my mother. I have known her since my early childhood. Why?"

Hisoka poured the boiling coffee into his cup, smiling slightly. "A who is Katsuro?"

There was a pause, then a sigh. When he looked back, Illumi looked something close to exasperated. "He was my first relationship. It ended years ago."

Hisoka's tongue felt the burst of heated agony when he drank from the coffee not minutes after it was boiled. He kept drinking in steady, slow sips as they regarded one another silently. His poisonous mood spread with each second.

"How old were you?" He asked past the pain in his mouth. His voice was even, but Illumi's eyes still narrowed.

"Seventeen."

Hisoka put the cup down before he gave himself the chance to throw it. He had known Illumi at twelve, at thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, onwards. But he hadn't know that.

"Did you sleep with him?"

Illumi's eyes turned cold. "Yes. Stop asking questions now, Hisoka."

He laughed a little, but it came out sounding warped. "Did your parents know?"

Illumi flushed slightly as his eyes narrowed further. He looked like a tense kitten, other than the dead anger mounting in his eyes.

"Yes. My father approved of Katsuro, so my mother didn't have a choice. Now stop."

His parents had known. And here was Hisoka: a dirty, dangerous little secret that Illumi refused to acknowledge in public. _This is my associate Hisoka._

Associate? He hadn't been an associate last night with Illumi's dick in his throat and fingers in his ass. He wasn't an associate now, drinking scalding coffee as he thought of all the ways to rip every person Illumi cared for away from him, until only Hisoka was left.

"Why did you split?"

Illumi looked away, hands curling into fists and then relaxing to hang limp by his side. "We did not suit one another. It was an amicable break up."

"I'm sure it was," Hisoka agreed warmly. "The Zoldycks couldn't have anyone complaining about social etiquette, could they? Bad for business."

Illumi looked at him, cagey and suspicious. "I do not understand your anger."

Hisoka's smile twisted. "Me? I'm not angry."

"Do you take me for a fool?"

"No, Illumi, I don't. Tell me about your parents."

"No."

Hisoka laugh was loud, and it grated his throat painfully. "Tell me about Katsuro then. What did he look like? How clever was he? How much money did he have?" Hisoka stalked forward; he didnt know what face he was pulling but Illumi's eyes widened and he took a step back. "Tell me what made Katsuro good enough for the Zoldycks."

Illumi's gaze was shuttered when he answered, and though they were inches apart neither stood down. "His name made him good enough. His family is distinguised, well respected, and he had a good reputation. He was good looking, and reasonably intelligent. He was the fourth in a long line of powerful transmuters. I haven't seen him since I was nineteen years old." He turned away and started walking towards the door. "Are you happy now?"

Hisoka could feel his pulse beating wildly, and he wasn't sure if it was fury or lust or both. Distinguished, well respected, good reputation. It was almost laughable how angry it made him, the thought of seventeen year old Illumi fucking some self disciplined guy who could trace his family back five hundred years.

"Do I look happy, Illumi?"

When spoken to, Illumi paused and turned around to scrutinise Hisoka's face. "No, you don't. But you are deliberately trying to provoke me and are winding yourself up in the process. If you don't want to explain this, I see no point in staying. I am going to train. Enjoy your coffee."

Illumi made it to the front door before Hisoka grabbed his wrist and slammed him against the wall. Hisoka dodged the punch aimed at his face, the kick aimed at his groin, and sank his teeth into Illumi's neck. Illumi cursed and lashed put again, but he was weakened by confusion and Hisoka was honed by intent. He felt blood trickling past his lips and down Illumi's neck and bit harder. It wasn't a kiss, and it wasn't affectionate. It was a brand.

_Love is an obsession._

Mouth still sucking at Illumi's neck, Hisoka slammed Illumi's wrists into the wall hard enough for bones to groan before he dropped them and trailed his hands down Illumi's thighs. Illumi shuddered and Hisoka moaned, a harsh, deep sound, before his hands curled around the back of Illumi's legs and he pulled them up around his waist. Illumi's didnt miss a beat, curling his hands into Hisoka's hair and ceding any attempts to act unwilling. His ankles locked behind Hisoka's waist and Hisoka rubbed them together, pressed Illumi into the wall like he could somehow force them into the same body, until they were unanimous, until all Illumi could think about was Hisoka's closeness.

He pulled his mouth away, watched the steady seeping of blood from the deep grooves his teeth had left, the already purpling mark across the front of Illumi's neck, just to the left of his adam's apple. _You won't be hiding this one, darling._

Illumi yanked Hisoka's head up by his hair and forced their mouths together, and again it was anything but friendly. Their teeth clashed and Illumi wasted no time before thrusting his tongue into Hisoka's mouth and arching his back.

_Fuck._

Hisoka wondered if he would ever tire of this. The same body to explore, the same face. Illumi grunted deep in his throat and tightened his legs, forced his erection into Hisoka's stomach and rolling his hips. Hisoka's eyes rolled back and he slammed Illumi into the wall, much harder this time, letting Illumi writhe against him as his own erection throbbed. He pulled his mouth away with a stuttered moan, licked the blood from Illumi's lips and grinned, feral, nosing at Illumi's sharp cheekbone.

"Did Katsuro make you feel like this? Did he love you like this?" The words came out softer than he intended, a gentle whisper barely heard over the sound of Illumi's harsh breathing. He didn't know what the wriggling mess in his chest was. It was like love, but not. Darker. He did love Illumi, god, he loved him to more than he had known he could ever love anything. But this wasn't that feeling.

Illumi shook his head a little, hair falling from its tail and leaving wisps around his face. He was red and panting and smeared with his own blood. His throat was a blotchy purple and swollen. His eyes were fathomless. "I don't understand your jealousy." he said in a low voice, and his head fell back against the wall with a thud when Hisoka slipped a hand under his shirt and stroked his ribs.

Jealousy?

Oh. The dark feeling, the burning in his chest and the need to hurt. Jealousy. He had never felt jealous before. What did he have worth cherishing to the point of jealousy other than Illumi?

"I want to know all of you," Hisoka replied, mind strangely calm now he knew how he was feeling. He was achingly hard, and ground his hips against Illumi's because he could, because Illumi was soft and breathless and seeping blood against the wall and he was so entirely Hisoka's that it almost hurt to look at him. "I want to know every filthy, disgusting secret, every hurt and every pleasure, every second of memory you have, every thought when you kill and when you fuck."

Illumi's slim, callused fingers began deftly unbuttoning Hisoka's shirt, greedily stroking over Hisoka's chest, the light hair, before it went lower, to the band of his trousers and Hisoka slumped. His head fell further forward to suck at that tremendous bite on Illumi's neck, worry it with his teeth until it was bleeding afresh and Illumi was panting heavily even as his now desperate hands tore at Hisoka's shirt. Shit. They were rutting like teenagers, but Hisoka's mind was scrambled, and he was enjoying it far too much to stop. If he couldn't climb into Illumi's head, he would at least have this.

"You-" Illumi paused, released a harsh breath as Hisoka's hand's reached around to squeeze Illumi's ass, "-you ask too much of me, Hisoka,"

Hisoka laughed, a little hysterical as he tongued Illumi's jugular. "I want to know more than anyone else. I want everything you have, darling. Do you still care about Katsuro?"

Illumi froze rigid, his hands releasing Hisoka's shirt with one jerky movement. Hisoka lifted his head just in time to recieve a vicious backhand across the side of his face.

Illumi looked furious as he detangled himself from Hisoka and staggered back a few steps. Hisoka's mood began to darken again as he licked at the fresh split at the side of his mouth, enjoying the way that even in his anger Illumi's eyes trailed down Hisoka's chest and legs.

"You are disrespectful beyond belief." Illumi said coldly, and Hisoka wound himself tighter, that darkness climbing a little higher in his throat. That reply wasn't a no.

"Do you?" He asked again, even softer this time.

"Of course I do not care for him. I have not seen him in almost ten years, Hisoka." Illumi bit out, hands clenched. Hisoka laughed again. Illumi was hiding something, and he was so agitated that he couldn't even mask it properly. Hisoka was still hard- painfully so- but that dark feeling kept growing. Jealousy. Why was he jealous? Because Katsuro had seen a side of Illumi that Hisoka, even after fifteen years had been denied.

"Then why did he meet your parents?"

Illumi's expression went from fury to blank so fast it Hisoka almost missed the fall of his mouth, the relaxation of his jaw, the way his eyes widened slightly from their narrowed state. "He met my parents because he already knew them when we decided to start a relationship. My father already liked him."

"And your mother?" Illumi's mouth twitched violently, once, before the expression settled again.

"She did not like him. But there were... circumstances. She tolerated him."

More secrets. "I want to meet your parents."

Illumi's face was like marble. "You will not meet them."

Hisoka laughed a little, and he couldn't stop himself from making a bad situation worse. "Are you ashamed of me? Is that it? Shamed that your lover is an orphaned, filthy commoner?" The words kept coming even as Illumi's eyes widened with shock. All the petty malice from his twisted heart spewed out in the form of words, which he could throw just as accurately as his cards. "Are you ashamed of yourself? For wanting me? For needing me? All those lectures given to Killua, that the Zoldycks don't need friends, and here you are, practically living with me, dependent. I bet your parents would be ashamed, if they found out. The eldest son, a bitter disappointment."

He knew at that moment that he'd broken something. He'd never spoken like that to Illumi.

Illumi stood there, wooden. His mouth was parted slightly, his eyes wide, but he wasn't breathing. His hands were lax.

Hisoka looked down at himself at the rips in his shirt from Illumi's nails and the thin cuts. It was almost funny how easy it was to forget that they were both monsters, and that this delicate balance they had could be overturned at any moment. It seemed that this time it was Hisoka's turn to tip the scales.

_Love is an obsession, baby._

Illumi spoke after an age, and his voice was barely above a whisper. "They wouldn't be ashamed, Hisoka. There wouldn't be time for that. They'd simply kill us both."  
  
Hisoka didn't look up when the apartment door clicked shut. He knew without looking that he was alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so pls dont hate me for this one lol, and just a heads up it is one of two parts! Next chapter will be the second half, but I didnt wanna put that in the intro bit or title because I thought it might be a bit of a spoiler. 
> 
> Again thanks for reading, I appreciate all you lovely people xo


	4. Resolution

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GOSH THIS IS LATE!! My apologies, this past month has been a killer! But the chapter is like, 2,000 words longer than the others and has smut, so pls be nice to me.  
> Also, I write this story and my others around my uni assignments and usually at odd hours with lots of panic and not a lot of proofreading, so please excuse any grammar/spelling mistakes. Thank you!
> 
> Songs for the chap:  
> Oleander by Mother Mother  
> Orca by Until the Ribbon Breaks
> 
> Hope you all enjoy! xo

"Who is Hisoka?’’

The innocent question froze Illumi’s breath in his lungs. He tightened his hands on the steering wheel of the car and slid his eyes to meet Kalluto’s probing stare. "Excuse me?’’

"I asked, who is Hisoka?’’

Illumi looked back to the road and eased his foot of the accelerator. The speed had been climbing as he thought about how to answer, without giving away how his heart was hammering in his throat. Kalluto had grown to become far too sly in the past few years, and his recent time with the Spiders seemed to be encouraging it. Illumi was very proud, but at the moment he wished he was on a mission with someone as oblivious Milluki.

"Hisoka is an old associate of mine. Why do you ask?’’

Kalluto looked down at the fan in his hands, opening and closing it. For a long moment, the only sound in the car was the soft rustling of the paper.

"He came to visit me last week.’’

There was a pause as Illumi battered down his rage, until it was a small kernel of festering black that he could push to the back of his thoughts. "Did he? And what did he have to say?’’

Kalluto’s lips twitched into an expression not so dissimilar to Killua’s mischievous smile. "Oh, nothing too interesting. Why don’t you tell me about this mission? It must be something special for you to request me when I’m meant to be with the Troupe.’’

Illumi found himself having to ease off the accelerator. He was stuck somewhere between fierce pride and bone deep annoyance. Kalluto had crept from his childhood into something a little closer to adulthood, while with Killua it had been more like a battering ram. Apparently Illumi had been too preoccupied to notice, and now he had another troublesome brother, rather than the attached little duckling he had grown used to.

"The mission is simple enough. There is a child smuggling ring I need to exterminate. You are my bait.’’

Kalluto scowled. "You could have gotten any kid of the street for that. Why did you need me? I’m missing some fun stuff you know. Phinks has his sight set on a group of people that can manipulate water, somehow.’’

Illumi looked at Kalluto, unblinkingly, until that petulant pout slid away and he ducked his head, fringe hiding his eyes.

"I asked you to come, Kalluto, because I trust you. Not only to help me, but to help yourself. If any man or woman tries to touch you, I trust your ability to make them suffer for thinking they had any right.’’

"Okay. I’m sorry.’’

"It is fine.’’ And it was. Kalluto was growing up. Of course he wanted to be with the Troupe, that group of fond killers that had time and mercy only for each other. At least Illumi could trust Kalluto to return to his family, when the need arose. He swallowed the bitter taste in his mouth and pushed the thought of Killua from his mind.

The car was silent for a while, the hum of the engine the only noise. Kalluto gazed out the window as the scenery turned from trees and green into grey rubble, graffiti, and smoke. Apparently the group they were targeting liked to base themselves in the ruins of a village, destroyed decades ago by clan wars. Illumi had choked the information out of a fat man the night before, while Kalluto waited in the car with a bored look as he texted on his phone.

Illumi pulled into the drive of a dilapidated house and killed the engine. He turned to Kalluto. "We will walk from here. We need to change clothes first, however, so this building will do.’’

Kalluto hopped out of the car and turned to Illumi with curious eyes. ''Illu-ni, why does Phinks hate you so much?''

Illumi rolled his eyes as he climbed out. "Has Phinks been telling tales, Kalluto?’’

Kalluto spoke as he watched Illumi pull bags from the back seat. ''He said he doesn’t trust you, or like you. He said you’re like an evil robot.’’

If Illumi felt Phinks worthy of any of his emotions, he probably would have laughed. "Phinks hates me because when I was eighteen he thought I was female, and didn’t like the apparent awakening of his latent homosexual urges when he found me to be male.’’

Kalluto blinked. "I see. That explains why he goes so red and angry. And why Feitan finds it so funny.’’

Illumi nudged the broken door of the house aside and dumped the bags in the middle of the first room he found. The windows were boarded up, so there was privacy enough, and just enough light to see. He knelt down and pulled out some clothing, a pair of small, scruffy trousers and a stained shirt for Kalluto, and a long, ragged dress for himself. Kalluto frowned at the clothes he was handed, but changed into them without complaint. He looked surprised to see Illumi in a dress, but Illumi spoke before he could ask.

"For some reason, these men seem to think a woman is more vulnerable than a man. A foolish notion, but one that is easy enough to exploit.’’ He inserted pins into his waist to make it smaller, his neck to hide his Adam’s apple, and his jaw to make the bone less prominent. The floaty material of the dress hid that his chest was flat, and, as he had shaved his legs, there was no need to cover them. He tied his hair up into a loose bun and slipped on some leather boots. He didn’t think they went very well with the dress, but Illumi wasn’t going to be kicking anyone in sandals. Breaking his toes would get him nowhere fast, and besides, one of the female butlers had confirmed the outfit was ‘retro’. Illumi wasn’t so sure, but Kalluto nodded when he saw Illumi fully dressed, so he considered it a passing grade.

It had been weeks since he had last spent such time with his youngest brother. Illumi widened his eyes to the point of pain, and smiled a little. "Do I look delicate and feminine?’’

Kalluto burst into giggles. "You look terrifying! What are you doing with your eyes? You look like you want to eat me!’’

Kalluto’s laughter made Illumi’s chest feel a little lighter, and he let his face relax.

"We should leave now. Come, and remember your role. You are my younger brother, and I am selling you, to keep myself out of danger. When people start screaming, then you can fight.’’

Kalluto slipped his hand into Illumi’s and nodded. "Okay. I missed you, Illu-ni. This is fun.’’

Oh. Illumi tightened his fingers around his brother’s small hand. The last had he had held was bigger than his own, with long fingers and manicured nails and rough calluses. "I missed you too.’’ He replied, and wasn’t sure if Kalluto was the only one he was addressing.

 

-

 

The mission was almost enjoyable. Kalluto had honed his skills well and continued to improve, even if he did like to drag it out a little too long. But Illumi told himself that he could allow Kalluto this fun, since they so rarely got to work together. He had long ago resigned himself to the fact that he was far too indulgent with Kalluto’s whims.

The only issue during the day was when one man had gotten too close to Kalluto when he was distracted by another fighter, and had slipped a hand into his hair and pulled. Kalluto had squeaked, and Illumi had returned the favour swiftly, grabbing the man’s hair and slamming his head into the floor until all that remained was the bloody pulp of brains and the splinter of bone. When he looked up, Kalluto was smiling and his opponent other was dead.

Illumi text his father and assured him that the mission had been a success as Kalluto walked around the bodies, examining each and picking up money or anything of worth. "How many did we kill?’’

"Forty three in total. You killed fifteen.’’

Kalluto looked up. "Is that good?’’

Illumi’s lips twitched. Not wholly out of the little duckling phase then. "It is very good. Admirable for someone of your age. Well done, Kalluto.’’

Kalluto gave Illumi a sunny smile, but didn’t speak again until they were back at the hotel in the nearest town and Illumi was tucking him into bed.

"Hisoka told me you’re in love with him.’’

Illumi’s hands faltered and he felt his expression shutter. His stomach twisted into a tight ball of agony, and all he could think was, _you_ _foolish man. You selfish, foolish man._

"He was lying.’’ Illumi replied, but even he could hear the strain in his voice.

Kalluto turned on his side against the pillow, facing Illumi who was knelt on the floor. Kalluto’s fringe fell into one eye as he continued to smile as the silence grew strange, and Illumi wondered if he could grow to hate Kalluto, if he was the one that told Kikyo and signed for Hisoka’s death.

"I don’t think he was lying, Illu-ni. He seemed upset.’’

Illumi smoothed a hand down Kalluto’s face, fingers lingering on the soft skin, because he loved his brother and no matter what happened to Hisoka that was not something that would change. To even consider it was disgusting.

"Upset? Hisoka has always been one prone to dramatics. Perhaps he has some fondness for me, as we have known one another for so long. That is all.’’

Kalluto ignored him. "Hisoka was handsome enough. Do you not find him attractive?’’

Illumi felt his face grow hot. "It does not matter. I do not love him.’’

''When was the last time you saw him, Illu-ni?''

He saw no point in lying. ''Two weeks.''

''Is Hisoka the reason your throat is bandaged?''

Illumi didn't answer.

"Mother will kill him, if she finds out.’’ Kalluto said, and his tone was blasé. "That’s why you’re hiding him, isn’t it? Do you really value him that much? That you would risk him for your own selfishness?’’

"Not anymore.’’ Illumi found himself saying, and stood up straight. "I am going out to meet with another potential client. Get some sleep. We will be leaving first thing in the morning.’’

''Okay. I love you.''

''I love you too.'' Illumi replied, and it was true, even as his chest was a writhing pit of black, and his hands quivered with barely leashed violence.

It was strange. Sometimes Illumi could look at Kalluto and see a smiling young boy, innocent and loving despite his surroundings. And sometimes he looked at Kalluto and saw the same blankness he saw when he looked in the mirror. The Zoldyck apathy.

 

-

 

The hotel room was dark and silent when he returned in the early hours, but Kalluto wasn’t in bed. Nor was he anywhere else in the room. Instead, Hisoka was stood by the desk, examining his phone so intensely that he didn’t look up when Illumi entered.

"Where is Kalluto?’’ he felt himself ask, though the words barely registered. His voice was a rough, foreign thing. His nen began to bubble up around him, and that kernel at the back of his mind burst open. "What have you _done?''_

Hisoka finally looked up, and his eyes were serious. "I got bored of waiting for you, Illu.’’

"You involved my _brother_.’’ He hissed, stepping forward and pulling out a needle, long and thin and dripping with malicious nen. "Tell me where he is or I will shove this needle into your eye and you will lead me to him before clawing out your own organs.’’

Hisoka leered a little. "You should try dirty talk more often, darling. I’m enjoying this.’’

Illumi stepped forward once more, and felt his lips peel back from his teeth. " _Where. Is. Kalluto.’’_

"In a car, on his way home.’’ Hisoka said, waving a dismissive hand. "Driven by one of your butlers. He organised it before he called me. And he told me- no. He _demanded_ that I tell you that he isn't going to tell your parents.’’ He paused to raise a brow. "He’s very pushy for his age. Do you spoil him, Illu?’’

Illumi didn’t dignify that with an answer. This was so far from anything he could have expected- Kalluto's _mercy_. Illumi didn’t know what to do.

"Why did you seek out Kalluto?’’ he asked numbly, because Hisoka was still smiling in the dark room, and his teeth were shining and he looked so beautifully ignorant it almost felt like a crime.

Hisoka shrugged languidly. "I told you, I got tired of waiting. There’s only so long I can hand around and wait for your decision, Illumi.’’

"My decision?’’ It was almost painful to hear his own name, and Illumi was ashamed of his sadness at the lack of sickly sweet endearments he had grown used to. Darling. Sweetheart. Baby.  Illumi missed Hisoka, and loathed himself for it. He missed the stupid, domestic things Hisoka did, like buying him flowers and taking him out for dinner and fucking him slowly and insisting on calling it _making love_. It was putrid, and Illumi felt its absence like he was missing a limb.

"Yes, your decision. You left, Illumi. No words, just absence, and I’ve been waiting for over two weeks now for you to let me know where I stand.’’ Hisoka shrugged again, and his smile was more a display of his teeth than anything pleasant. "I get bored easily and it doesn’t take much to distract me, and- well. You gave me no reasoning, Illumi, you simply told me no. Maybe I don’t want to be ordered around by the man that’s meant to be my partner.’’

"Maybe I want a partner that will listen to me and not blatantly disregard my privacy.’’ Illumi shot back.

Hisoka barked a laugh. "What, you want some obedient man that’ll hold your hand in public and kiss your father’s shoes and settle for whatever scraps of attention you’ll throw? You want someone who would be happy with giving everything and getting the bare minimum in return? Because if you do, I’m not sure why you’ve been wasting your time with me.’’

 _No._ This isn’t what he wanted. Hisoka’s anger- he expected that. He expected the greed- Hisoka was a selfish man, and he had always known that. But the raw hurt wasn’t something Illumi thought he would see. He hadn’t realised that this would have hurt Hisoka as much as it had hurt himself.

And yet he could see no other option.

"It is not a case of what I want, Hisoka.’’ Illumi said, his mouth dry and his throat like glass. "It has very rarely been about what I want. You need to go.’’

"Oh? And what about what I want?’’ Hisoka asked. "Because I want you.’’

_Why does this hurt so much?_

"Please just leave.’’ Illumi whispered.

Hisoka walked forwards, towards the door and towards Illumi, but rather than leaving he spun, lightning fast, and Illumi once again found himself pressed into a wall with Hisoka’s mouth on his neck. But there were differences; this time Hisoka’s hands were gentle, his hold was anything but caging. His mouth was soft as it drifted along the bandages, and Illumi could hide his emotions but he couldn’t hide the pulse hammering in his neck, nor could he find the strength to push Hisoka away when he cradled Illumi’s face like he was something precious.

He was weak for Hisoka, as he always had been, despite knowing it would be their downfall.

"Darling.’’ Hisoka breathed, and Illumi wavered. "Please. Just tell me why you want me gone all of a sudden. Tell me why I can’t meet your family. Tell me why Katsuro was good enough but I’m _not_.’’

It took a long time for Illumi’s mouth to work. "You are lucky Kalluto has grown to have compassion.’’ He spoke through numb lips. "Had you gone to Milluki, you would not have found him so favourable. I was not designed to have friends."

Hisoka’s breathing paused. "What?’’

Illumi huffed out an almost silent laugh, and it came out sounding desolate. "You named me a hypocrite, and I suppose you are right. I did not want Killua to have friends. It is forbidden, and the punishment is severe. I should have realised it would be different for him, however. The heir. The favourite.’’ He didn’t sound bitter when he spoke, because he wasn’t. Killua was Illumi’s favourite too. He wasn’t made of dark things like Illumi. Killua was made of unruly hair and cheeky dimples and quick reflexes and a laugh like music. And he was gone now, but at least he was without Gon, who would likely have reduced Killua to a pathetic, dependent shadow of himself. Reduced Killua to something like Illumi.

''You mean to tell me that you would actually be punished for having a friend? For caring for me?’’

And that made Illumi’s temper flare. "You are an idiot if you hadn’t already realised that, Hisoka. You thought that the rules I enforced upon Killua were solely his own?’’

"Well, yes.’’ Hisoka answered dumbly, his hands still on Illumi’s jaw, fingers warm against his cheeks, brushing at the edges of his ears. "But Killua is gone, and no one has gone after him. He even took your youngest- the cutie in the headband. Where are their punishments?’’

Illumi wasn’t sure how to answer, because he didn’t know the reason himself. "I suppose it is because of father’s pride. He wants Killua to come back of his own free will and prove himself the true Zoldyck heir.’’

"And what of your punishment? If your parents find out about us?’’

And there was no way for Illumi to talk himself around answering that. Besides, he was so tired of running, and tired of hiding. "You die.’’

There was a pause, and then Hisoka’s dry lips pressed against Illumi’s cheek, as light as the wings of a butterfly. "Do you think me so weak?’’

He didn’t know how to put it into words. Hisoka was so far from weak that it was laughable. But Kikyo Zoldyck was so far from Hisoka that it was downright _horrifying._  "My mother is not like my father, Hisoka. You would die, and you would not have time to use your words or your tricks. You would simply be dead, as soon as she decided it was to be so.’’

Hisoka chuckled. "She sounds fun. Holidays must be a riot.’’

And Illumi’s anger was back. He shoved Hisoka away roughly, face contorting into something dark. "Do you care nothing for your own safety?’’ He asked, his voice scathing. "I know you are obsessed with thrills and excitement and defying the odds, Hisoka, but surely suicide is something even you would be against.’’

Hisoka pushed away from Illumi with a breathy laugh, and the first genuine smile of the evening. "I love you. Don’t you think I’m worth the risk? Because I think you are, and I’d rather die young and happy than old and bored.’’

He spoke so freely, like the threat of the Zoldycks- the threat of being hunted by one of the oldest and most powerful families- was something easily dismissed. And it made Illumi think of a life completely void of Hisoka.

No sudden embraces. No quiet, shared mornings of coffee and toast and reading the paper. No smiles that lit up the room like the sun. Illumi’s sun, with golden eyes and a smirk that dripped sin.

Illumi considered his options. He could leave now; leave Hisoka, and live without him. Or he could accept Hisoka, accept what he had been yearning for since he was twelve years old and enchanted by the fearless boy with the curious stare- but risk Hisoka. Hisoka could die if Illumi picked the selfish option. Either way, whatever option, Illumi would likely have to face the reality of loosing Hisoka.

 _Are you ashamed of me?_ Hisoka had asked. But Illumi wasn’t ashamed of Hisoka, he was ashamed of himself. He was ashamed, because he knew how great the risk was to Hisoka, and yet he couldn’t keep away. He was scared, because he knew if this continued, whether it was love or not, it would get Hisoka killed, and Hisoka’s was the one death he didn’t want painting his hands red.

"What is it you want from me, Hisoka?’’ He asked quietly, mind stewing.

Hisoka sighed softly, like Illumi was something endearing. "I want everything, beautiful. I want all of you. I’m a truly avaricious man, darling, and I want to take and take until you have nothing left to give anyone else, and I want you to feel the same way.’’

And _oh._ Illumi did feel the same way. Of course he did. Illumi knew he needed to make Hisoka leave. He knew it. But knowing something rationally and believing it in his heart turned out to be two completely different things.

''I do not want you dead.'' He said, as if that was some kind of worthy reply. _I don’t want you dead. I would rather you were alive and bored than a lifeless corpse to get thrown in with the others I have killed. I love you, but I don't know if I can say it._

But somewhere in the jumble of Illumi’s thoughts and his outwards quiet, Hisoka must have found the answer he was looking for. He laughed once, quietly, and Illumi only had time for the lone thought of _‘Will he ever take anything seriously?’_ before Hisoka was kissing him.

It was soft and damp and deep, and Hisoka kept pausing to laugh, and he sounded _giddy_ , and Illumi could do nothing but be kissed, and held, even as his confusion grew and any objections sailed right out of the window.

"You love me.’’ Hisoka breathed against his lips, and this time it was Illumi’s turn to laugh. Quiet and slightly self-depreciating, but genuine. _Of course he heard me._

"Was there ever any doubt?’’

Hisoka kissed his nose. "You love me, Illumi, and I’m not going to let you run away from me again. I won't let you go.’’

He didn't know why the words made his nerves burn or his blood quicken, but they did. I won't let you go. That wasn't normal. It should have made Illumi uncomfortable; it should have made him want to leave. But Hisoka's words sank into his skin, as welcome as his touch. Could he ever stop himself from wanting Hisoka? It was looking less and less likely.

Illumi gave up the fight and kissed Hisoka, parting his lips with his tongue as his hands wound tightly into Hisoka's hair. He wasn't sure how they made it to the bed, or when they stopped to rip off clothes, but when Illumi was pressed into the pillows and Hisoka traced his skin with two lubed fingers, he found he couldn't think of much at all, not past the man pressed against him.

"Yes or no?" Hisoka whispered against his skin, one hand holding Illumi's thigh and the other teasing, so softly he felt like a whisper. Illumi's stomach clenched. He didn't want a delicate touch, he wanted to _feel_ Hisoka.

"Yes." He grated out, and when Hisoka pushed a finger in, far too slowly, Illumi gritted his teeth. This gentleness was not what he wanted.

"Fuck me properly." He said shortly, nails digging into Hisoka's broad shoulders.

"No. I want it soft."

He slid in a second finger, and Illumi's lips peeled back from his teeth in annoyance as he arched back into it, couldn't help but writhe because this was not what he _needed_. When Hisoka's graceful fingers brushed Illumi's prostate, the pleasure was like a warm blanket, but Illumi wanted a bullet.

"Hisok-" Illumi panted, "His-" he stopped trying to speak when Hisoka removed his fingers, and instead watched Hisoka prep himself, an intoxicating sight. Hisoka looked wretched in all the right ways, so pleased with himself, pleased with Illumi's desperation, like the complete destruction of Illumi's pride was something he enjoyed.

But Illumi had spent the day battered by the repercussions of Hisoka’s whims, and he wanted to be _fucked_ , not coddled like some virginal dandy. Luckily, Hisoka seemed to be forgetting that their power dynamic was fifty-fifty, and Illumi knew exactly how to make Hisoka squirm. He knew Hisoka’s weaknesses, as Hisoka knew Illumi’s.

Hisoka was just narcissistic enough for Illumi to exploit.

"Hisoka," he said, voice dark and sonorous, "Katsuro was safe with my family because I didn't care about him." Hisoka paused and peered down, and Illumi licked into his mouth before he pulled away with Hisoka's bottom lip still between his teeth. Illumi released it slowly, then pressed his mouth against Hisoka’s, closed lipped and so light that Hisoka’s eyelashes fluttered. "He was safe because he wasn't you."

Hisoka’s eyes snapped open, his gaze blind. There was a pause, a complete lack of movement.

The moan Hisoka released was closer to a roar, and then Illumi was flipped, shoved onto his hand and knees and Hisoka was pushing into him rough and fast and god.

It was brutal and Hisoka's hands on Illumi's hips were tight enough to bruise down to the bone, and Illumi could feel Hisoka everywhere; he slammed his hips back to meet each thrust and Hisoka's breath and teeth were hot against the back of his neck like another fucking brand.

Hisoka giggled, and it sounded a little hysterical. "Are you sure this is a weakness, darling? Does this make you want to kill me less?" And he hit Illumi's prostate hard enough to send stars shooting behind the whites of his eyes.

"Can yo-- _ah--_ can you still feel that beautiful bloodlust under your skin? So close to the surface, Illu, you're always so rigid that I wonder when you'll just _snap."_ He punctuated the word with a thrust so hard Illumi's elbows buckled and he fell onto his forearms, groaning from his throat with noises he didn't know he could make. He couldn't touch himself without falling onto the mattress, and his pleas of touch me went unanswered, but he could feel that white hot pleasure drawing closer anyway, and Hisoka was driving into him mercilessly now, any inkling of soft gone out the window.

Illumi could feel his orgasm building, tight and so hot his lungs burned with each raw inhale as Hisoka's hands slid over his damp back and round to his chest and touched every place other than Illumi's leaking cock.

 _"Hisoka."_ He hissed, and was rewarded with the warm laugh he would never admit to loving so much. "Do not force me retaliate to this teasing."

And Hisoka's fingertips trailed down Illumi's length, so soft he could have yelled he was wound so tight. "But you're so lovely when you're on the edge, Illu," Hisoka panted, smugness in his voice.

"I'll kill you." Illumi replied, voice venomous.

Hisoka's tone was rapturous when he asked, "Do you promise?" And finally wrapped his hand around Illumi's cock, tight and hot, and Illumi felt himself come undone.

He came with a shout, his whole body jerking forward and then slamming back with the fierce pleasure, and Hisoka followed soon after, biting at Illumi's shoulder as he came with shallow thrusts that eventually petered out.

As soon as they were done, Hisoka pulled out and flopped down on the bed next to Illumi, smiling and so obviously pleased with himself.

Illumi wasn't so pleased. There was no way he was going to lie in the wet patch.

Hisoka must have understood his stormy expression, as the next thing he knew Illumi was being pulled over to nestle against Hisoka at the other side of the bed, about half an inch away from falling off the side. It wasn't perfect, but it was better than sticky sheets. And the long nails trailing through his hair weren't unwelcome.

He had just started to drift a little, more comfortable than he had felt since he had seen Angelica, when Hisoka huffed in annoyance.

"I wanted to make love, Illu. You made me rush."

If he had the strength to open his eyes and roll them, Illumi would have done it. As it was, he merely shrugged a little. "I wanted it fast. You wanted slow, vanilla sex. It was frustrating."

Another huff. "It's called making love, and after two weeks without sex I thought you'd be more understanding. A man has needs."

This time Illumi did roll his eyes, just to convey his annoyance. "If you hadn't been so petty this would never have happened."

"If you had told me everything in the first place I wouldn't have been petty." Hisoka shot back, and, well, what could Illumi say to that? It was true enough, though it didn't make it any easier for him to speak about it. He was also sore and tired, and tried to convey this without words. Hisoka just pouted. "I love you. I wanted to make love."

"Stop saying that. You wanted boring vanilla sex because you're lazy."

And Hisoka's pout dissolved into a small smile. "Maybe. It might have been nice for a change though.’’

Illumi wasn’t so sure, but no doubt in a few hours when they’d both slept, Hisoka would persuade him to find out. The thought of sleep was welcome, but also a reminder that they could only stay in this hotel room for so long. With Kalluto headed home alone, Silva and Kikyo would expect Illumi back at the manor tomorrow, and with good reasons for not returning with his brother.

"Hisoka, there are still things we need to discuss.’’ Illumi said, somewhat reluctant to dispel the air of contentment in the room.

Hisoka groaned a little and furrowed his head further into the pillow, apparently uncaring of the face full of Illumi’s hair he was rewarded with for his efforts. "Later, Illu, later. I’m too busy cuddling you to listen to all the reasons why we shouldn’t be together.’’

What was love? And romance? The books Illumi had read over the years said it was a nice feeling, mushy and kind. That these fictional partners would never do anything to hurt one another. Nothing would come between them, and that the love between nice people in their nice world and their nice feelings would prevail against the odds.

Illumi looked at Hisoka and wanted to rip him into pieces; he wanted to build him up and break him again and again and again until they were both as broken as each other and their pile of shattered pieces merged into one.

It was the only form of love he had ever truly known.

Illumi decided in that moment, with half of his body pressed against Hisoka’s warmth and the other half falling out of the bed, that should it come to it, he would destroy anything that tried to take Hisoka away.

"Sleep then.’’ He said to Hisoka, and slid a possessive hand around his bare waist. "And when you wake up you can try once more to persuade me to make love.’’

He couldn’t see Hisoka’s answering smile, but he felt it in the drag of Hisoka’s lips against his forehead. "Okay, darling. It's a deal.’’

Illumi was no longer scared of himself, or what he would do were he forced into the position of choosing. After all, he knew exactly what he was, and what he could be. It was others that would learn to fear him, if anyone tried to take Hisoka away. They were entirely too wrapped together, twined into one thoroughly corrupted mess that he knew now he couldn't stand to live without.

Hisoka was part of Illumi’s family now, and everyone knew how Illumi cared for his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All I'll say is that this is like the seventh version of this chapter and by this point I have given up trying to improve it lol. I hope you liked it anyway, and that everyone has a happy holidays! 
> 
> Pls remember that comments and kudos sustain me xo


	5. Lipstick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year to everyone!
> 
> Song for this chapter- Gypsy Blood by Kal Lavelle
> 
> Again, sorry for any mistakes, and I hope you all enjoy xo

Hisoka didn't hear Illumi enter the room, so when a cold hand touched his chin and turned his head, he startled slightly. There was no real alarm however, because Illumi was the only one that could slip under his radar. Their proximity over the years had lead to some kind of stalemate that left them both hungry to finish the fight that they had never really started, but also content to dance around in the middle ground. He was as relaxed as he could ever be, when he was around Illumi.

Illumi's eyes fixed on Hisoka's hand with a stare that would have looked blank to most, but to Hisoka seemed vaguely curious. "Lipstick?" He asked, tone mild.

Hisoka uncapped the tube and showed Illumi. "It's called Royal Red."

Illumi cocked his head to the side, expression slightly confused. Hisoka had long ago deemed it the 'lost kitten' look, and Illumi, whether knowing or not, had perfected it.

"Why do you have lipstick?" Illumi asked after a moment, and Hisoka smiled with teeth.

"Because I like to wear it sometimes." He paused and considered. "Not usually this dark. This is very old, and I hadn't realised I still owned it."

"I have never seen you wear it before."

There were some things they still didn't talk about, even if it they were getting better. But Illumi wasn't asking, he was just looking at Hisoka with that calm expression, his hair loose down to his waist in an inky fall that begged to be yanked and knotted in Hisoka's fists.

"I wore it more as a kid, and a teenager. Turns out that lots of people still get angry at a boy that likes to wear makeup. Surprising, right? But you know me. I like to do the wrong thing, and do it well."

"That is an understatement of your notorious ability to do exactly the thing people would hate you to do, I think." And Illumi's tone was flat, as always, but when he said such things, little digs of sharp humour, it still surprised Hisoka each time. Things were getting easier, slowly but steadily. Illumi was slow to trust and slow to bloom, but the wait was worth these moments of quiet closeness.

Hisoka laughed softly, and gave Illumi another secret in exchange for his pleasure at Illumi's effort. "When I was younger, I used to look quite feminine."

Illumi's mouth scrunched slightly. "I remember. You were scrawny."

Hisoka laughed again. "Yes, I was. And sometimes I would steal some lipstick or mascara or blush, and I'd put it on just to watch men squirm when they saw me and didn't know how they should feel. Excited? Oh but that's so wrong, I was a boy. But I looked so pretty..." He trailed off, lips twitching at the undisguised fondness in Illumi's eyes.

"It is somewhat unsurprising to find out you have enjoyed power games since childhood, Hisoka."

Power games? Yes, he had always besn one to enjoy holding the balence, enjoy watching things play out his way, enjoy watching people scrabbling for a foothold when they were faced with Hisoka's intent. It had been exciting and fun to cause lust and confusion at the same time, to watch indecision warring on the face of countless men. He thought back to when he had first met Illumi, and how their relationship had played out very much the same way, only longer and much more interesting than anyone else who had come before.

He leant forward and kissed the tip of Illumi's nose, smile spreading when Illumi's face scrunched up in distaste.

"Would you want me to be any other way?"

Illumi's answering expression could only be described as droll. "I don't think you want me to answer that."

Hisoka shifted slightly, eyes moving to the lipstick still in his hand. He hadn't expected to find one- it really had been years. It dragged up some fond memories from the time around when he first met Illumi, but it also brought up unpleasant ones. It brought up some memories he'd rather had stayed forgotten.

When he looked up again Illumi was staring at his face intently.

"Would you still wear it?" He asked. Hisoka's stomach balled up tight and he had to fight to keep the smile on his face. Wear it again? No. He didn't need any reminders of his past.

"No, not anymore." He replied, tone light. "It wouldn't suit me now, the colour would clash with my hair." He had recently dyed it a deep maroon, almost closer to purple than red. Illumi had helped him, and had turned out to be much worse at dying hair than either of them could have anticipated. They still hadn't gotten around to scrubbing the flecks of dye and bleach off the ceiling in the bathroom.

Illumi cocked his head again in that way that made his hair swing. He plucked the lipstick out of Hisoka's hand and unscrewed the top before walking out of the room with no further words. After a second of confusion Hisoka followed, and found Illumi in the bathroom, leaning over the sink and staring intently into the mirror as he spread the waxy crimson over his lips.

Hisoka stopped in the doorway. He was shocked, but watching Illumi apply the red over the gentle swell of his bottom lip, the soft curve of his cupid's bow, he couldnt help but watch, transfixed. Illumi put the stick down and rubbed his lips together before turning to Hisoka.

"What do you think?"

Hisoka was getting hard. It was pretty obvious what he thought. Illumi wasn't delicate and they both knew that.

But he was pale and sombre and his hair was a silky cascade and Hisoka wanted to rub that deep red into his skin and watch bruises bloom.

When his hands slipped to Illumi's shoulders and slid up the side of his neck to cup his face, Illumi's eyes mellowed and his eyelids lowered slightly.

"I can't ever look at you without wanting to kiss you." Hisoka admitted quietly to the silence.

Illumi's hands rose to rest gently over the top of Hisoka's. "Then kiss me now."

He did. The lipstick was a strange texture where usually there was only the damp softness of Illumi's mouth, and Hisoka felt the slide of his own mouth, knowing that when he pulled away he too would be wearing the red. Illumi's lips twitched upwards beneath his own, like he knew- like it was _planned_ \- and Hisoka's hands tightened on Illumi's face. His fingertips tingled, and he was hard and aching but content just to drip heavy kisses into Illumi's mouth and press his palms against Illumi's sharp jawbone.

Hisoka had never been content to exchange small, smiling kisses with a lover before, and the very thought of comparing Illumi to other's he had been with caused a prickle of both distaste and happiness. _This is so different._

Illumi pulled back for a second, eyes opening lazily like a cat. He looked down to Hisoka's lips and smiled slightly, more open and honest than Hisoka had seen in a number of weeks. It was lovely.

"I happen to think that the colour suits you quite nicely." Illumi said, his voice low and a little rough. Hisoka felt his own rueful grin build, and he bit the tip of Illumi's nose in mock irritation.

"You tricked me into wearing it." He said, not angry in the slightest. Illumi was warm beneath his hands, and the mark on his neck had faded into the shadow of a scar still healing.

Illumi shrugged, and moved Hisoka's hands away from his face and down to his waist. "I am a manipulator. Did you think yourself the exception?"

Hisoka knew for a fact that he was the exception, even if Illumi hadn't quite figured it out yet.

Instead of answering, Hisoka asked a question of his own, enjoying the way Illumi's mouth was stained a messy red, and enjoying the thought that his own face was likely the same.

"Have you ever worn lipstick before, Illu?"

"Yes. When seduction has been a part of my missions, I have often had to change my appearance to suit the tastes of those attracted to women over men. Lipstick and other products often came hand in hand with the alterations made by my needles."

Chuckling, Hisoka imagined Illumi disguised as a woman. As elegant as he was, the muscles and sharp angles were undisputedly male. "I'm finding it hard to picture you as a woman."

"I will show you, one day."

Hisoka kissed Illumi again, and once more it was nothing but lips; the soft heat of Illumi's mouth left Hisoka's mind hazy.

"Why don't you ever ask about my past?" Hisoka asked suddenly, nose almost touching Illumi's. 

Illumi made a disgruntled noise, so out of character it startled a bark of laughter out of Hisoka. Illumi's sulking seemed to deepen for a moment before he answered.

"You don't want to talk about it, and I can see that. I have trust that you will tell me when you are ready." And then cutting glance, softened slightly by the exasperated moue of his mouth and the messy red. "Some of us understand that there are topics people don't want to talk about, and that it's okay sometimes to just leave things alone."

Hisoka winced dramatically, hand over his heart. "Harsh. That criticism of my behaviour wasn't particularly well hidden. You could of hurt my feelings."

Illumi's eyes widened. "You have feelings?" He asked. "I thought you were just a tangle of lust and inappropriate behaviour."

"Of course I have feelings." Hisoka said, happy to play along. "I love you, don't I?"

Illumi's lips pressed into a line. "So you say. And yet I've been here for the past three nights, and you have yet to make me dinner."

"When will you have to return to your parents?" They both knew the mansion was no longer Illumi's home.

"They expect me back on friday." Illumi replied, lifting a hand to tuck some of Hisoka's hair behind his ear. That left them another two days.

"How about we order in tonight, and I'll cook for you tomorrow?"

"That is acceptable." Illumi replied, nose in the air, and Hisoka laughed again, thumbing Illumi's stained mouth and the reddened skin around it.

"Maybe we should wash this off before we order anything. Lets not scare the delivery boy, hm?"

Illumi picked up the lipstick once more, and when he moved it to Hisoka's face, Hisoka didn't move away. He felt the soft drag along his lips as the familiar waxy texture was carefully drawn. Illumi moved away and scrutinised his work for a moment before nodding once.

"Illu, this doesn't change the mess. It's still a little outside of the lines." Hisoka said, deadpan.

Illumi shrugged, wiping his own mouth with paper. "Then I will answer the door when the food arrives and you will stay in the kitchen. I like how you look."

"Oh? And how do I look?"

"Like you've just sucked a cock."

Hisoka's stomach fluttered. The thought wasn't unappealing. Illumi's body was so pale it was almost translucent, and when it wasn't covered in Hisoka's marks, it was like a tempting blank canvas.

There were other places to stain than Illumi's mouth.

Before Hisoka could speak, Illumi shook his head. "I am hungry. Afterwards you can, but only once I've eaten."

Hisoka smiled. "Is that how its going to be tonight? Are you in charge?"

Illumi's blank expression faltered. "Unless that is not what you want. I didn't think to-"

Hisoka planted a big red kiss on Illumi's cheek. "It's fine, love. More than fine. What do you want to eat? I'll order." He paused to raise a brow. "If I'm allowed to, that is."

Illumi rolled his eyes. "Pizza. You pick the toppings, I don't mind."

 

-

  
The lipstick was practically gone by the time they both finished eating, so Illumi climbed off the couch and came back to apply more to Hisoka's lips, then once more kiss it off. When he applied it again, there was a moment of indecision, in which it was clear that Illumi was debating kissing him again. In the end, Illumi won against himself, and settled back to watch television, Hisoka's lips untouched.

llumi picked an old black and white movie about love and family in winter. He was asleep before the first set of adverts, head against Hisoka's shoulder and a hand on his heart. His hair was tickling Hisoka's face, but for the moment he felt like he could have been shot in the leg and would have let it slide without complaint. He smothered a laugh. _So much for taking charge, hm? Asleep as soon as he's eaten, again like a cat._

Hisoka's heart was beating slow and steady, and he was warm and full and covered in lipstick. He was sat on his couch surrounded by empty pizza boxes with Illumi asleep and subconsciously curling further into him. He hadn't met Illumi's family yet, but that was okay. He wasnt sure he wanted to anymore. _'I was not designed to have friends.'_ Somehow, he didn't think he would get on very well with Kikyo. He hadn't told Illumi anything about his past yet either, but that was okay too. Illumi was content to wait, and Hisoka was beginning to understand the rewards of waiting. If he hadn't ever shown Illumi the scars that littered his body beneath his texture surprise, well, he could show him another day.

 _Is this cruel?_ he wondered. He had begun to peel back Illumi's layers, leaving him exposed. What would happen from this point was largely a mystery. Illumi was nothing close to the cold exterior he displayed, and Hisoka was curious to see what exactly it was that lay in waiting. Whether Illumi would bend or break was unknown.

He pushed away the thoughts and grabbed the remote, lowering the volume of the movie until it was a dull murmur and he could close his eyes, relaxed. It could all wait for another day. 

When he stroked a hand down Illumi's hair, Illumi pushed his face further into Hisoka's neck and sighed. 

Whatever happened to Illumi, Hisoka would watch it avidly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this should probably end up around ten chapters, but who knows because I am very indecisive!!
> 
> Also to those who have read Sucker for Touch, I am writing a sequel! I dont know when it will be finished, but people have been asking so I just wanted to let you know that progress is being made :)
> 
> Thank you for reading, and to those who leave kudos and lovely comments xo


	6. Animals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chap has a little more mentions of death and violence than the others, just for those who may want to avoid it.  
> As always, much love to all of you that read. Especially much love to those that take the time to comment, as it not only helps me to improve but also makes my day! Thank you all xo
> 
> Song for the chapter: Perfect by Amber Run

Illumi was well used to the curses and damning from those who were felled beneath his hands. The spluttered, bubbling hatred was as common as the pitiful begged mercies he would never bestow.

''You reap what you sow.'' One man spat at him from his position on the floor, bloodied and coughing as Illumi watched. His contractor had asked that the man suffer before he die, and Illumi was willing to make sure that the request was met.

''But I am no farmer.'' Illumi replied smoothly. ''And it appears to me that, out of the two of us, you are the one with minutes left to live because of past actions. I do not covet the desperate words of a doomed man.''

The man, as faceless and nameless as all the others, died only seconds later, his gaze full of loathing and resignation.

Illumi left the apartment without a glance at the body, promptly messaging his employer to let her know that the object of her ire was dead.

 

-

 

''You have the devil's eyes and tongue.'' A woman cooed at him they sat together, watching as her husband, with both eyes removed from his head, bludgeoned himself to death, screaming all the while.

It brought great amusement to Illumi, when he thought of the description. Devil's eyes to be sure, but he felt if anyone had the tongue of a sinner and the mouth of a devil, it was far more likely to be Hisoka. Perhaps they were two halves of the same demon.

''Would you like a cup of tea?'' She asked above the screaming. ''I've waited a lot of years to see this, and I feel like I owe you past the money.'' She looked back to her husband with an expression nothing short of relief. Illumi didn't know how long the woman had been saving up to afford for his assassination, or what the man had done to deserve it.

''I'll have a tea then, if you don't mind.'' He replied mildly. A speck of blood landed on his cheek, and the woman passed him a tissue to wipe it away. ''Two sugars please.''

After all, the woman had been waiting years for this. The least he could do was ensure it lasted long enough for her to relish.

 

-

 

''You're a stupid little boy with no idea how the world works!'' Another man screamed. He was a lord of some sort, and now paying for being cruel to one too many of the servants. ''Boys like you have no right to spit on my goddamned boots, never mind kill me!''

The word boy brought many thoughts to the surface as Illumi picked the lord up by his throat and dropped him quite soundly from the fourth story window. It would soon be Kalluto's birthday, and Illumi had yet to finish sewing his new kimono.

If the lord had still lived, Illumi would have thanked him for the reminder.

 

-

 

His next employer was a gorgeous man with eyes that made Illumi feel like an insect beneath a magnifying glass. He did not enjoy the feeling of examination.

''I recently read a book that stated all men are either sheep or wolves.'' The client said as he sat across from Illumi. Illumi could feel subtle waves of power leaking from the man in such a slow trickle that Illumi knew he must have been suppressing the true force of his nen. ''What is your opinion on the topic?''

Illumi did not allow himself to show hesitation before answering. ''There are certainly men that equate to both wolves and sheep in the world. However, I would not say that everyone should be labelled as either one or the other.''

''Is that so?'' The man asked, cocking his head in a way that made Illumi all the more wary. ''Then, if I may ask, what do you see yourself as?''

''A sword.'' He answered immediately.

''Not a killer?'' The man asked with genuine curiosity.

Illumi smiled grimly. ''I am always the killer, but ever the weapon wielded by another.''

The man smiled indulgently, as if Illumi had passed some kind of test. ''And as a client, what would you name me? The man who wields the sword.''

That did not sit comfortably with Illumi, and he took a moment before answering. ''The ones that are dangerous because of their own fear, sneaking and conniving and paying for what they themselves have no strength to do.'' He met the man's amused gaze. ''I would name you a snake.''

The man threw back his head and laughed: a heavy, dangerous sound. When Illumi left, he found that the sound seemed to follow him.

When he killed the two women that had been asked of him later that evening, the laughter still echoed through his head.

He messaged the man to let him know of the deaths, and seconds later received a reply.

Number Unavailable:   
Thank you for your services. Shall we meet again to organise your payment?  
-Nikolai

Illumi politely declined, passing along the details needed to transfer the money. His stomach churned all the while, and he found himself wondering about Nikolai when he returned to the manor that evening. Perhaps a snake was not right. Nikolai had not seemed a coward, not as many of Illumi's clients were. However, he had seemed very detached from the death his contract had caused, and of the blood that coated Illumi even when it had been washed from his hands and was no longer visible. Nikolai seemed closer to a bird- something that could fly well above the plight of others and in turn benefit from it.

Illumi's phone chirped, jarring him from his thoughts.

Hisoka:  
A package arrived for you. That makes the third roll of fabric this week. Why did you not ask for them to be delivered together?

Illumi:  
They are not from the same place, so it was not possible. And why are you opening my mail?

Hisoka:  
It's my house darling, and I think I have the right to worry about these unfamiliar boxes you would have me leave untouched near me in my own home.

When he put it like that, Illumi could well see the problem. If Hisoka handed him a wrapped package and then told him to keep holding it, unknown and unopened, Illumi would likely throw it and then run in the opposite direction. It was not that they distrusted one another, but that they trusted each other without delusions.

Illumi:  
I see. I am stitching a new kimono for Kalluto. I apologise if the deliveries are in the way. I will come by tomorrow to relieve you of them.

Hisoka:  
Don't be obtuse. Come by tomorrow and then stay, because I miss you.

Illumi's heart both tensed and calmed at that.

Illumi:  
I will see if I am able.

Hisoka's reply was nothing more than a heart and winking emoji, but it made Illumi's chest clench all the same.

 

-

 

Throughout the follwing weeks, Nikolai's words set Illumi to musing over his clients as he killed for them. The woman he had served those weeks ago was a piranha, desperate to sink her teeth into her target, but unable to breath upon land and reach him.

The woman who had made him tea as they watched her husband die had been a rabbit, finally free of the fox.

The lord had been a wolf by birthright, but a sheep in all else. He was willing to be herded by those who would bite chunks from his hide as soon as he looked the other way.

Many of Illumi's clients were sheep in wolves clothing, as if the money they used to pay him made them his equal. Deluded sheep kept him clothed and fed however, so he voiced his thoughts to no one but Hisoka, who considered the analogy seriously and then named Illumi a panther.

 

-

 

''I have met your father many times, and see nothing of him in your features. I assume you look like your mother?''

When Illumi found that he had been requested by Nikolai once again, he hadn't known how he felt. However, his dissimilarities to his father in appearance was a sour topic, and as such he simply answered the question with a stiff nod.

''I hear she has a great beauty.'' Nikolai mused. Their first meeting had been been during the daylight hours, and Illumi found Nikolai somewhat more sinister looking when the sky was black outside of the window behind him. He looked to be somewhere between thirty five and forty five, with a wild mane of blonde hair tied at his neck.

''Yes, she is very beautiful.'' Illumi said, unsure what else to say. The power was still there; a current beneath Nikolai's words that belied his curious demeanour.

''If the two of you look as similar as you say, then I can believe it.''

Illumi tensed, and he could tell by Nikolai's languidly amused gaze that he had seen it.

''Who would you have me killed, and how?'' Illumi asked, slipping into the form he felt most comfortable in. His frame relaxed, and he felt all emotions receded as he compressed them into a tight kernel he would examine later.

Nikolai blinked. 'Thomas Jones and his business partner Amat Loupe. I will forward the address. And as for the method...'' He shrugged. ''Whatever you think suitable. As long as they die.''

Illumi nodded and stood, but stopped again when he felt a hand upon his arm. ''Are you not going to ask me why I want them dead?'' Nikolai asked, curious once more.

''I do not care about the matter enough to enquire about the reason.'' Illumi said, pleased on some distant level to see Nikolai wince in discomfort at the brutally honest reply. ''You are my client, and have paid me for a service that will be provided. That is all I wish to know.''

Nikolai nodded with dignity, and Illumi left quickly. He killed the men as requested, and soon as it was confirmed, his money was transferred. This time there was no offer of meeting to discuss payment, for which he was thankful.

Afterwards, Illumi went straight to Hisoka's and they spent a pleasant evening fucking in any way they desired. Hisoka fell asleep in the early hours of the morning with his head pressed against Illumi's hip, and his hand curled possessively around one of llumi's thighs.

Illumi had no doubt of Hisoka's animal, if one had to be chosen. Hisoka was beautiful, intelligent, sly, and prideful. He was a lion. A sated lion basking in the sun, covered in blooming bruises and bites. He smiled just as much in his sleep as he had when awake, and Illumi knew that they both needed to sleep while they could, as it was unlikely that Hisoka would allow time for a reprieve once he awoke and set upon Illumi with playful retribution in his golden eyes.

 

-

 

Weeks later, Illumi was unsurprised to find out that his next target was a man named Nikolai Sokalov, reportedly an enhancer with the strength of a juggernaut.   
  
He text Hisoka on the way to Nikolai's house.

Illumi:  
The man that provided me with the sheep analogy is now my target. I will still be back for dinner tonight, however. Is there any food you want me to pick up?

Hisoka:   
Can you get some kind of meat? We seem to have an abundance of peppers that we never get around to eating, so something to go with them would be good. Whatever you like.

As the taxi pulled up outside of the airpoport, Illumi sent his last text. He typed 'I feel that Nikolai is expecting me', but deleted it with a sigh. He would sound ridiculous. Instead he sent 'I will pick up beef then.' and put his phone on flight mode.

 

-

 

The house was empty, the door unlocked, and everything of value gone. Illumi walked a circuit of the premises slowly, needles between each of his fingers, and with two more embedded in his tongue.

Despite his caution, nothing jumped out at him or appeared from the night, and he could not feel Nikolai's oppressive aura. Instead, he found a neat little note pinned to the fridge.

_Illumi,_

_I find I am not quite ready to meet the sword yet. Undoubtedly our paths will cross again, but not now. I wish you all the best until then._

_-Nikolai_

Illumi knew, as he folded the note and left the big, empty house, that Nikolai was a vulture.

What he was circling however, was a question that Illumi didn't want answering. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone is interested, then the book containing wolves and sheep is Brethren by W.A Hoffman. 
> 
> Again, sorry for any errors, and thanks again to all! Xo


	7. Unsaid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not the chapter I think most people will be expecting, but pls have faith!
> 
> Song of the chapter: Black Mambo by Glass Animals
> 
> Hope everyone enjoys! Xo

In a crowd of distant aquaintences, Katsuro's beaming smile was a shock. For a moment Illumi could do nothing but stare.

Silva cleared his throat. ''It would be polite to greet him.''

He was right, and so with a mild curiosity Illumi walked across the room and into the embrace that was offered, registering the familiarity of strong arms around him. Katsuro kissed his cheek and stepped away, face red and still smiling.

''It's been years, Illumi. You look as young as ever.''

Illumi replied in kind. ''As do you.'' A partial lie. Katsuro looked his years, but in a graceful manner that spoke of inner youth. He looked good, and Illumi felt nothing but the faint flicker of affection he had always harboured. There was no storm of passion, no possessive need, no violence. ''Are you well?''

Katsuro's nodded. ''Very much so. My wife, sadly, is not faring well with her second pregnancy, so she couldn't attend tonight. I would have introduced you.''

A wife. Two children. What a strange thing to think about.

''I am pleased for you.'' Illumi finally settled upon saying, and for the most part, it was true. Katsuro was nice, and deserving of a loving family.

''Thank you, I am very happy.'' Katuro breathed, and then looked past Illumi's shoulder. His smile froze. ''Oh dear, your mother is eying me like a slab of meat.'' He chuckled uneasily. ''Is she still intent on finding you some wilting flower that she can easily control?''

Illumi sighed. ''She has lessened her attempts in recent years, for which I am grateful. Still, she never approved of you.''

Katsuro's discomfort eased. ''Tell me about it.'' He laughed. ''Every time I visited, I prayed your father would be around.''

Illumi felt a reluctant smile twitching at the corners of his mouth. ''Yes, I feel my father's approval was the only thing that kept you alive.''

The answering smile he received was that of a conspirator. ''And what about you? Did you ever find the person you were thinking of?''

Illumi frowned slightly. ''Excuse me?''

''Come on, I'm not an idiot.'' Katsuro said with good natured exasperation that had Illumi's stomach churning. Katusro's gaze was knowing underneath the layer of humour. ''You think I never noticed?''

There was a heavy pause. ''There is nothing to know.'' Illumi finally said, heart a little unsteady, fingers twitching. He did not like what was emplied. What Katsuro implied that he knew. ''And if you want to return to your wife and child, I would bear that in mind.''

''I understand, you don't have to worry.'' Kasturo replied in a mischievous tone. ''Besides, my wife and I are more than capable of protecting our family from anything that may come.'' His eyes flashed brightly, and for a moment Illumi was reminded of the reason Kikyo had never approved. Too headstrong, and too dangerous.

Illumi felt another reluctant smile grow, along with his respect, and said nothing as Katsuro embraced him again, smelling of sandalwood and nostalgia.

He tightened his arms before releasing them and leaving a chaste kiss on Illumi's cheek. ''Does your man know how special he is, that you're breaking your own rules for him?'' He whispered, and Illumi felt the black tar in his chest writhe for a second before it settled. The thoughts of his parent's retribution against Hisoka flared to life after months of repression, and Illumi knew he would rip through anything that brought that reality closer.

He turned his head to the side to give Katsuro his own lingering kiss on the cheek. ''He knows exactly what he is. As do I, Katsuro.'' Illumi replied, smiling. His eyes were burning, and though he was too close for Katsuro to see his expression, Illumi felt the other man tense. ''Remember that you have a family. A child. Remember that life is a fleeting thing.'' He pulled away and flashed a smaller, more genuine smile. ''It was pleasant to see you again, and I wish your wife a safe birth.''

Katsuro shook his head, expression dazed. ''I loved you, you know. After all these years, I'd started to forget.'' He laughed, dragging a hand down his face. ''You fucking scare me, Illumi.''

''Not as much as I could.'' Illumi agreed, and seeing his mother's sharp glare from across the room, decided to make his exit. ''I hope to see you again soon. This has been informative.''

Katsuro laughed, though he sounded winded. ''Yeah, I don't think that informative is the word I would use. Good luck, Illumi. I feel like you're going to need it.''

Illumi walked back to his curious parents with a strange calmness in his heart.

''Katsuro looks nice.'' Kikyo said suspiciously, eying Illumi. ''How is he?''

''Fine. As is his wife, and their daughter. He says his second child is due within the next few weeks.''

Kikyo's relief was tangible, though she showed no signs. ''I see. I never trusted that boy, but I'm pleased he has found someone to settle down with.'' _You are pleased he didn't settle down with me_ , Illumi didn't say, but he could tell by Silva's half indulgent and half exasperated gaze at Kikyo that he had also heard the silent words.

''Let's go and greet the Lawkins family, shall we?'' He asked her, and she nodded, turning away with a tense mien. Silva looked back to Illumi with a shake of his head. ''She's started arranging dates for Milluki, so you should be safe until she gets frustrated enough with him to stop trying. We'll stay here for a while, so you can go back to the manor and get some rest.''

''Thank you father, but I have some business to take care of first. I will meet you at the manor in the morning.''

Silva nodded and left to join Kikyo, and Illumi left the party with one last glance at Katsuro.

He saw Illumi, and lifted a fresh glass of wine in a silent toast, his smile once again genuine. Illumi mirrored the expression before leaving, and as soon as the doors closed behind him the expression slid off his face.

 

-

 

Illumi had been much the same at seventeen as he was at twenty seven. Dangerous. Principled. Merciless. Hideously infatuated with Hisoka.

"How do you feel about Katsuro?" Kikyo had asked.

"I do not feel anything." Illumi had replied, and it had been honest. Katsuro had been fine. Pleasant to look at. Attentive in bed. Kind. He was not Hisoka, and Illumi had felt nothing.

"Good. Then you can oblige your father and continue this relationship for a respectable period of time, if you wish it. If your feelings change, I will know. Get rid of him when you have to, and know if you let him linger that his death will be on your hands."

"I understand, mother."

And at nineteen, Hisoka kissed him for the first time, a quick, unexpected press of lips that was full of smiles and breathless laughter. Illumi had ripped himself away and spat, and Hisoka had kept on laughing. That night, Illumi ended his relationship with Katsuro. It had nothing to do with morality, no, it was more to do with the fact that Hisoka's fast, hard kiss had felt better than any of Katsuro's touches. He didn't want to lie to himself anymore.

Kikyo had been pleased when he had told his parents, Silva a little disappointed. He truly did like Katsuro, and his parents. 'A shame', Silva had said. Kikyo had nodded solemnly, but Illumi had seen the corner of her lips twitching.

 _'What made Katsuro good enough for the Zoldycks?'_ Hisoka had asked.

Katsuro had been good enough for the Zoldycks because Illumi hadn't felt anything.

 

-

 

When he let himself into Hisoka's flat, Hisoka was exactly where Illumi had left him. Splayed across the bed in hot pink underwear, with a matching shirt that had the word OPULENCE in thick black print across the back. It would look humiliating on anyone but Hisoka. He looked up from his book when Illumi entered the bedroom and greeted him with a grin.

''How was the function?'' Hisoka asked, stroking his purple hair away from his eyes. It was messy and a little curled, and he looked so good that it took Illumi a long moment to realise he had been asked a question.

''Oh.'' He said, blinking. ''It was fine. Father said I could leave early, as mother was in one of her moods.''

Hisoka rolled onto his back and patted the space next to him, his other hand putting the book aside. Illumi began to undress in response, and once he too was down to his underwear he climbed into the space, letting Hisoka worm himself around Illumi in a tight grip.

''Moods?'' He asked curiously, nuzzling at Illumi's collarbone. ''Why was she in a mood?''

''Mmm.'' Illumi hummed into Hisoka's hair. And because he was cruel even when he wasn't, he said, ''She was displeased that Katsuro was at the event and that I spoke to him.''

Hisoka froze rigid, but his voice was nonchalant when he asked, ''Oh?''

Illumi was glad Hisoka couldn't see his smile. ''Yes. He was pleased to see me. Not so much when I threatened to kill his wife, but I believe we have reached an understanding.''

''Did you have much to say to one another?''

Illumi thought about it for a while. ''We did, but too many years have passed. It would do neither of us any favours to dig up past grievances.''

Hisoka breathed out a long, warm sigh against Illumi's skin. ''Does he still want you?''

''Of course not.'' Illumi said with certainty, frowning. ''We haven't seen one another for almost a decade, and he appears to be quite enamoured with his wife and child. I do not see how it would make a difference either way.''

''I know.'' Hisoka replied, dragging his fingertips in circles on the skin of Illumi's stomach and hips. ''I'm just greedy.''

Illumi breathed in the smell of sweets. Hisoka's bright hair and bubblegum breath had stained Illumi's thoughts a violent pink ever since they were children. ''Believe me, I am well aware of your faults by this point.''

Hisoka smiled against Illumi's skin. ''Thats because I've always enjoyed making you angry. You look so calm and put together, Illu, but you snap so quickly.''

When Illumi smiled in return, he found the expression was humourless. "I find it strange."

Hisoka looked up from where his fingers were now tracing the gentle curves of Illumi's hips. "Hmm? What's strange?"

"It has always felt like there is a sheet of glass between myself and the world. I do not care when I kill. I do not care when others die, or suffer. Katsuro was on the opposite side of the glass. Most people are. I see it clearly, and I feel nothing."

Hisoka flattened his palm against Illumi's stomach. "I don't feel any glass, darling. Just you."

"You're too warm." Illumi replied, absent and muted. "You melt through the glass."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, though I'm sure people are bored of me saying so, I appreciate all feedback and readers!
> 
> See you for the next chapter! Xo


	8. Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for the chapter: Look After You by The Fray
> 
> Nearly at the end now, only two more chapters to go! Hope you enjoy xo

  
"Can I buy you a drink?'' A man asked Illumi, his voice low and husky.

'No.'' Illumi replied, looking across the bar to where Hisoka was sandwiched between two pawing women, one practically reverent as she stroked his jaw, the other a little further away, but no less interested. Hisoka's gaze was playful, but Illumi could see the disinterest curling the corner of his mouth.

He felt a hand stroke up the side of his neck. ''Really though, I'd love to buy you a drink. I didn't know men could even look like you.''

Illumi batted the hand away, annoyed. ''It would be hard to drink with distaste clawing up my throat. I suggest you try someone else.''

The woman to Illumi's left tried in vain to disguise her laugh as a cough, and Illumi felt his own lips twitch. If nothing else, this venture proved once more why he was too old for clubs. The music was too loud, and the constant petting of strangers was more than tedious.

 _'Come for a drink with me.'_ Hisoka had suggested after they had come back from Illumi's latest mission. _'It's been a while since we've been out together.'_

Well, watching Hisoka drown in women while Illumi was pressed into a barstool and harassed wasn't his idea of fun. Hisoka had left for the bathroom over fifteen minutes ago, and it was taking him a ridiculous amount of time to detach himself from one women, only to take a few steps closer to Illumi and get attacked by another. Further away, men were eyeing him too, but because of the circle of women they couldn't even get close.

Another man stepped close to Illumi, shoving him hard against the bar. ''Damn, you've got that whole epicene beauty thing going on, maybe I can-''

''If you finish that sentence my glass will go through your eye socket.'' Illumi interrupted mildly, sipping his brandy. There was a small hesitation, and the man's weight lifted away. The woman next to Illumi laughed again, and lifted her own drink in a toast.

''They're gonna keep coming.'' She said to him, her voice low and as clear as her blue eyes. ''You're in the wrong place for a quiet drink.''

''I am beginning to realise that.'' Illumi replied dryly, finishing his glass in one mouthful. The warmth of the alcohol was nice, even without intoxication.

Another hand snaked around his waist, and Illumi's hand clenched around his empty glass before he swung round, aiming at the man's forehead.

Hisoka caught his wrist before the glass made contact with his head, grinning even as his arm shook with the force of holding Illumi's. ''Time to go?'' He asked, eyes dancing at Illumi's annoyance.

''Yes.'' He replied, pulling his arm away from Hisoka's grip and putting the glass down. The woman at the bar gave him a lazy wave and a grin before he was guided through the crowds to the door, and could finally breathe in fresh air that was a stark contrast to the stale sweat, alcohol, and vomit of the club.

''If that had been someone else, you would have killed them.'' Hisoka said blithely as they began to walk towards a cluster of idling taxis further down the road.

''No. The impact would have been hard enough to concuss, but not kill.''

Hisoka raised a brow as he opened the taxi door for Illumi to climb in. ''And you know the exact amount of strength it takes to give someone a concussion? Of course you do.''

Illumi didn't dignify that with an answer, instead turning to face the window as Hisoka spoke to the driver of their address. The ride was silent, but not uncomfortable, as Hisoka linked his fingers through Illumi's as they ignored one another.

When they entered the apartment, lllumi headed to the bedroom to change into comfortable clothes while Hisoka veered straight to the couch, looking more tired by the second.

Illumi emerged a few minutes later, his hair up in a messy tail, wearing grey sweatpants and a baggy black shirt, barefoot. Hisoka was sprawled, his shoes and earrings gone, What Ever Happened To Baby Jane on the TV, the volume low. Illumi tugged on Hisoka's ear.

''Go and get changed.''

Hisoka complied, and when he stood up, Illumi took the space on the floor, snatching a pillow to sit on and pulling his knees to his chest before turning the volume of the film up slightly. When Hisoka returned, he was also in sweats; dark blue bottoms and a tight white shirt. His hair was a curly mess.

They watched the film in silence for over an hour, Hisoka on the couch behind Illumi with one hand resting on Illumi's shoulder, occasionally his fingers stroking at Illumi's neck. After a while, Illumi felt his eyes begin to drift shut. This was more his idea of a nice evening.

He was roused from his doze when Hisoka shifted behind him, his hands threading into Illumi's hair and stroking so gently it pulled a groan from Illumi's throat. He resisted the urge to arch into the touch, instead blinking his eyes open and finding the television still on.

While he's slept, Hisoka had changed the chanel; now on the television there was some kind of talent competiton. A man and woman danced across a stage in front of a large crowd and four judges, the couple's expressions severe in concentration. Illumi felt his attention move away from the screen as Hisoka's nails scratched along his scalp.

"When I was a child I tried to learn ballet for a year or so." Hisoka murmured quietly, hands still moving. It was no great surprise. Hisoka was incredibly flexible, and certainly had the body of a dancer.

"What colour was your tutu?" Illumi asked, enjoying Hisoka's answering huff of laughter.

"I like you like this." Hisoka said. "It's like you're drunk on sleep. Like you've melted a little."

His nails scratched a little harder, and Illumi's head fell back. "If you keep doing that, I'll soon melt into the carpet." He sighed. "You'll have to soak me up with a towel."

Hisoka leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to Illumi's forehead, his hands still in Illumi's hair.

"Tell me something no one knows, Illu." Hisoka said, his voice low.

It had been a while since they had played this game. Trading secrets and private thoughts until they'd exhausted their brains and felt intimate and quiet.

"I like it when you take me apart slowly, and I'm left with nothing but aching muscles and the feeling of your arms around me. I like it just as much as I like holding you down and making you scream.'' He said quietly, feeling Hisoka tense and then slowly relax. It was an admission he never thought he would voice. The gentleness he so distrusted, he had slowly come to covet. ''Your turn.''

Hisoka released a slow breath, not speaking for a long, drawn out moment.

''I love it when you loose your composure a little. I like seeing what you hold inside, and I like seeing it aimed at me. You should always be aimed at me.''

Illumi tilted his head back, and Hisoka complied by lowering his own head to dip in for a kiss.

''You are a possessive fool.'' Illumi said, lifting one hand to stroke Hisoka's jaw. ''My possessive fool.''

Hisoka kissed Illumi again, smiling against his mouth. Illumi broke the kiss and opened his eyes. Whatever Hisoka saw in his expression, it made him pull away and settle back on the couch. Illumi followed the movement and climbed into Hisoka's lap, tilting his head back with a firm grip so he could kiss along Hisoka's sharp jawline with featherlight touches.

''Maybe I should indulge you this once, hm?'' He asked, feeling Hisoka jolt beneath him, so receptive to even the slightest change in Illumi's tone. Illumi nudged his chin to the side and kissed the skin behind Hisoka's ear, softly. Hisoka's teeth clicked shut, and his muscles tensed.

The spot, just behind Hisoka's left ear, reduced him to a pile of sparking nerves. Illumi had silently rejoiced the day he had found it, and all the days since, when he had exploited it.

He kissed the spot again, and bit down lightly, the soft drag of his tongue following.

Hisoka's throat made a dry, clicking noise.

''Use your words, Hisoka.'' Illumi said lowly, one hand moving to circle Hisoka's neck, squeezing lightly. ''Use that mellifluous voice of yours and tell me exactly what you want. We both know that words are something you never tire of.''

Hisoka released a shaky breath. ''I want you wild. I want you to do what you want.''

''What I want?'' Illumi asked, feeling the numb power that curled in his chest leech into his thoughts. His erection was pressed against Hisoka's hard stomach, and Hisoka's was against the curve of Illumi's ass. ''I doubt you would survive it, were I to really have my way.''

Hisoka shuddered lightly, arching into Illumi's touch. His eyes were twin pits of molten gold, shifting in the currents of his desire. ''Then show me what you can do.''

Illumi drew the fingers of his free hand across Hisoka's face in a way he rarely allowed himself to act. He traced the curve of Hisoka's brows, the cupid's bow of his lips, the light stubble on his jaw, the tender skin below his eyes. He kissed the shell of Hisoka's ear and enjoyed the raised skin, the anticipation. 

''Just because I don't act doesn't mean I can't take you apart.''

The words were proved to be true as Hisoka fractured beneath Illumi as hewrapped his fist tightly around Hisoka's cock and began to stroke. Hisoka was shuddering with his head thrown back, neck vulnerable and exposed as Illumi moved his hand, relentless and unforgiving because he _knew_ , he knew that as much as Hisoka loved to submit as much as dominate, it was not always easy for him, and it was not always always a gentle pleasure. Illumi wanted one thing from Hisoka, and he was going to get it.

"You do not truly know what I can do. I doubt anyone does. After all, how do you stop someone willing to destroy themselves completely to achieve their goal? But you don't run, Hisoka. You never run. You tease me. You make me feel more like a person." The words, rawer than Illumi had expected, and much more honest, made Hisoka shudder almost as much as the hand moving over his cock and the breath on his throat. "You make me feel human, but I cannot decide if that is a good thing. I feel that you have destroyed me for all else, and yet I feel stronger. You goad me, and I feel no sympathy for whoever is destined to feel the force of what I cage.''

He cupped Hisoka's jaw, fingers slipping over the light sweat as Hisoka panted into Illumi's palm. "No more words?" He asked, flexing his fingers. If he tightened his hand he could crush Hisoka's skull beneath his fingers, and it would take almost no effort at all. Hisoka realised at the same time as Illumi, bucking up into his hands and rolling his hips, stomach tight and his body shaking with tension beneath Illumi. The moan he released was deep and pained, the tendons of his neck standing in stark relief.

The hand on Hisoka's face and the hand around his leaking cock both tightened to bruising force as Illumi said with a sort of unfocused wonder, "I could kill you, Hisoka, and you would enjoy every second of it."

Hisoka's moaned again as he came, the sound guttural and animalistic. He shook violently as Illumi kissed his cheek in a mockery of tenderness. He soon became distracted by the come on the underside of Hisoka's chin, and licked it away.

Hisoka laughed breathlessly. "You're a little closer to the surface than usual today, aren't you?" His hands, which had been clenched in the fabric of the couch, settled on Illumi's waist. "That was intense. A little too fast on my part. Fun though. Thank you."

Illumi stared at Hisoka for one, long moment, unable to voice the mass in his chest and throat. He would never grow used to Hisoka's easy acceptance, his willingness, his enjoyment of Illumi's depraved character. Hisoka stroked a hand down Illumi's face, eyes inquisitive.

"Are you in there, darling?"

"Yes."

Hisoka lifted a single brow, eyes dancing. "Then surely it's your turn."

Illumi could think of no obections, so when Hisoka kissed him, slow and soft to Illumi's hard and fast, he surrendered his weight and wrapped his hands around Hisoka's damp neck, opening his mouth and feeling light in the way only Hisoka could accomplish.

 

-

 

  
"You were an ugly baby."

Illumi blinked. "Excuse me?"

"An ugly baby." Zeno repeated, eyes on the chess board between them. He moved one of his pawns before he spoke again. "Your eyes were too big for your face, and you never smiled. You looked like a poisonous frog."

Illumi knew that somewhere, Hisoka was laughing. He moved his left knight and took the pawn his grandfather had just moved.

"If you are trying to distract me, I'm afraid it is a failing tactic."

Zeno snorted. "I'm not trying to distract you, I'm making conversation." Another pawn moved. Illumi countered. "Your father was even uglier. From what I can remember, he was born with the same frown lines he has now."

Illumi's brows climbed an inch. "That is not a pleasant image."

Zeno took one of Illumi's pawns with one of his knights, releasing a little 'heh' as he snatched the piece off the board. "You'd be surprised. He was certainly a one of a kind child. Endearing, in his own, strange way."

Illumi tried to picture his father as a child. An angry expression with wild, light hair and flashing blue eyes. All he could picture was Killua, and it left him melancholy and distracted when Zeno moved his bishop and took Illumi's knight.

"You did that on purpose." Illumi accused, moving his own bishop forward.

Zeno shrugged. "I've always taught you to use what weapons are available. Often, words are the only ones around."

Illumi hummed. "Have you heard anything about Milluki's dates? He blames me for mother's sudden interest, and refuses to speak to me."

Another snort. "He hates it, of course. Did you expect otherwise?"

"No, but I had hoped anyway." Illumi murmured, leaning over the arm of the chair to pick up his cup and take a sip of the green tea that Zeno favoured. When they spent time together, it was often an accompaniment, and Illumi had grown fond of the strange herbal blend. "I think it is good for him to leave the manor."

"I think its good for him to use his legs and walk, but that doesn't mean he enjoys being forced." Zeno replied dryly. "He has grown up spoilt."

Illumi nodded. It was true. For all the severeness he had grown up with, his parents had been perhaps too lenient with Milluki.

"Still, it is good for him." He murmured, taking another sip of tea. Killua and the youngest were off somewhere adventuring, Kalluto was out in the world learning, and Milluki was intelligent enough to master anything if only he cared enough about it.

"You're just happy that Kikyo's moved her sights from you." Zeno said. "She's starting to think about grandchildren."

"Well they're certainly not going to be coming from me." Illumi said with a twitch of his lips that was mirrored by Zeno.

"No, we've known that for a good long time now, Illumi." With a huff, Zeno flicked his own queen off the chess board. "I'm not in the mood for this game."

Illumi sat back further in his chair. "Then what are you in the mood for, grandfather?"

Zeno looked up at him with a quick glance so sharp Illumi felt it graze his skin.

"A little honesty, I think." Zeno said, and all good humour fled from the room as if drained by a plug. "Have I ever told you about your parent's marriage?"

"Not in any great detail." Illumi replied, suddenly suspicious. "Neither have they."

Zeno grunted. "I didn't approve of Kikyo at first. She wasn't who I pictured for my son. My only child. I didn't like the way Silva's eyes softened around her."

Illumi had a distinct sinking feeling.

"We argued for months about the marriage." Zeno continued. "Silva hid it from Kikyo, but he was like a vicious dog when it came to defending her. One day I woke up, and he'd left early for a mission. Other than the servants, I was alone in the house. I was alone, and it was too quiet. I realised then that I wanted to have my son happy in my home rather than dutiful and miserable, or far away and hating me."

Illumi felt the blood drain from his face and his limbs. He didn't know what to say, and so said nothing.

Zeno stood up, brushing his trousers. "Kikyo is a stubborn woman, and she thinks she knows exactly what you need. But she's a mother that has already lost two children. Perhaps the threat of loosing a third is the push she needs. Maybe your jester would agree. When left alone in the dark, even the loyalest pet will turn against the hand that feeds it."

He left without a further word, and Illumi sat alone in the study with his ears ringing and his hands clenched so hard that his nails bloodied the skin of his palms.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never expected anything I wrote to have this kind of reception, so though I do it all the time, anther massive thank you to everyone reading. Luv u all xo


	9. Splinter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for the chapter: Nothing's Gonna Hurt You Baby by Cigarettes After Sex
> 
> Note: Manipulation is a difficult thing to write about, and I hope this chapter hasn't come across as terribly as I've been worrying. No matter how strong or bad a person is, mental trauma can always manage to leave a scar. So a warning for the following writing- it isn't particularly nice!
> 
> Nevertheless, I hope those of you that read will enjoy the penultimate chapter! We're nearly there! So close! xo

Hisoka was going through some stretches when he heard the door click shut. He smiled, but didn’t otherwise move. Ten seconds in the splits, with both arms reaching in an arch across his body to touch one pointed foot. Ten seconds of release, and then ten seconds stretching towards the other leg. He contemplated continuing his stretches, maybe putting on a show that could lead to all sorts of delicious distractions. But the television was a low murmur, and other than that, the apartment was silent; if not for the familiar presence, he would have thought himself alone.

After easing out of the position, he stood, and found Illumi still at the door, his head bowed and his tall figure unmoving.

Knowing well the consequences of surprising him, Hisoka chose to speak instead of touch. ''Darling? Are you going to come away from the door?''

Illumi didn’t move, and Hisoka’s skin prickled. ''Illumi?''

''He knows.''

Illumi didn’t so much as breathe, and Hisoka was beginning to wish he hadn’t left his cards in the living room.

''Who knows what? Illumi, look at me.''

His head snapped up, and whatever it was that was writhing behind his eyes, it made Hisoka’s stomach roll. Not fear, but something close.

''Illumi, look at me.'' Illumi repeated, his voice light. ''Don’t you dare look away from me. Don’t think you can hide from me. Don’t think there isn’t anything I won’t find. Don’t touch that. Don’t think you know best. Don’t go easy on your brothers; they won’t learn anything that way. Make it hard. Make them suffer. Make them remember who they are. Remember who _you_ are. Illumi, the horse that strays from the wagon gets shot. It’s your own fault for being childish. Remember what you were made for. Remember what happens when you forget these things. Remember who you hurt.''

All of their shared secrets felt like words on a page to Hisoka, when spoken in warm moments with soft breaths. It was another thing entirely when he was faced with the writhing turmoil of Illumi’s demons. When the shadows of a demented childhood climbed like vines and clung to Illumi’s skin. Easy to forget that Illumi was a high functioning fissure of manipulation and open wounds. It came in useful, of course. The anger was amusing; the power was intoxicating; the sly mind fun. Rarely did reality creep in, but when cracks appeared in Illumi’s porcelain skin, Hisoka was dealt a swift blow to his ignorance. How unpleasant to be forced to remember.

''Who knows?'' he asked quietly.

Illumi blinked slowly, like he had to put thought behind the action. ''Who?'' He repeated slowly. ''Grandfather. He taught me chess, as a child. He taught me to read. He taught me to kill using pressure points. Kyusho Jitsu. Did you know that, Hisoka? I could kill you by pressing one finger into your chest.''

''You could kill me in a lot of ways, Illu, but I like to think that you’d give me some warning before making an attempt. Would you look at me properly? Please?''

Unresponsive, Illumi stared at Hisoka in a painfully detached manner, his head cocked like a curious child. ''Maybe I should just kill you now.'' He mused, withdrawing wickedly sharp needles from his pockets. ''I could make it painless. She won’t ever let it be painless. She’ll make me watch.'' He shuddered, and his voice came out like a plea. ''Hisoka, I don’t want to watch.''

He had always thought, _if Illumi is to shatter, I want it to be by my hand._ This was not how he wanted it to be, and he didn’t know how to bring their equilibrium back. Hisoka came forward and watched Illumi stumble backwards, hitting the door with a thud. He let his hand drift to Illumi’s face, watched as it forged its own path across the arch of one brow, down the gentle curve of a cheek, to the edge of soft lips. He ignored the aura that crept from Illumi like black tar, clogging the air with thick, uncertain menace.  

''Love, speak to me.'' He crooned. It was difficult not to shift away from the abrupt threat of needles, three that moved to press against the underside of his jaw, and two against his inner thigh. ''You can’t kill me when I’m not dressed for the occasion, you know that.''

Illumi pulled his dead stare up to meet Hisoka’s eyes once more. ''You did this.'' He whispered. The ugly storm came back as if the fragility had never existed. ''You made me like this. _Why?’'_

''Because I want you so clouded with me that nothing else matters.'' Hisoka said. ''I love your pain and your impassiveness and your fury and your endless cunning, and I want it to be mine.''

The anger in the air dispersed as quickly as it had arrived, the fluctuation of moods jarring. Hisoka rarely saw anything from Illumi, and now this. 

The sigh that rattled out of Illumi sounded like defeat. ''We will both be slaughtered. You have made sure of that.''

''Would you really let me die?'' Hisoka asked. 

''No.'' Illumi whispered. ''There is little I would not destroy to keep you alive.''

''Then it’s very lucky that we have one another, hm? If I won’t let anyone kill you, and you won’t let anyone kill me- well, we almost seem invincible.''

''Not invincible, only living a lie.'' Illumi said. His eyes looked right through Hisoka, into something no one else could see. ''Isn’t it strange? I do not fear death, nor pain. And yet I have dreaded this. I dreaded the end of this lie, Hisoka, because it has been the most pleasant dream.''

''Illumi.'' Hisoka couldn’t help but press a kiss to those soft, unresponsive lips. Wherever Illumi was lost, it was not in the present. ''Where are you, love? Come back to me. Come back home.''

''I am home. I was a fool to think this would last. A fool. Killua is a fool, to think that he won’t be punished when he is found.''

 ''Darling, come back.'' Hisoka said, growing more and more uneasy. He didn’t know if Illumi’s lack of action was a good sign or a bad one. It felt like some horrifically unsatisfying goodbye, and Hisoka hadn’t wrung Illumi dry yet. This wasn’t the time for any kind of ending.

''You tell me you love me. Do you? Truly?''

''I love you as much as I could love anyone, or anything.'' He answered truthfully.

''I love you too. I have never said it in as many words, but you should hear it at least once.''

''Once?'' He asked.

Illumi was suddenly, startlingly _aware._ He lifted a hand to Hisoka’s neck and rested it against his pulse. There was the tap of his index finger a little higher, then the slightest prick, and Hisoka could do nothing but suck in a breath as he fell to the floor, limbs unresponsive, _lungs_ unresponsive. He couldn’t shout, he couldn’t do anything at all. Even his nen felt insubstantial, like the connection was tenuous and weak. Illumi watched him like a scientist would an insect.

''You will get sensation back soon enough.'' He said. ''But until then, you need to stay here. It will be harder to reason with her if she sees you. I should not have blamed you; the fault is mine. You should not be punished for my mistakes.''

Hisoka could do nothing but glare and try to breathe. This was _not_ the way to solve a disagreement.

''I am sorry.'' Illumi said to Hisoka. ''I can see that you are angry. This is an underhanded tactic, of that I am aware. Grandfather thought that if we were to see her together, she would realise that I care. I have never cared before. But I think it would make it worse. She doesn’t want me to care, Hisoka, certainly not about someone like you. Someone selfish, who would not put the family first.''

Illumi stepped over Hisoka and walked further into the apartment, returning with Hisoka’s phone, which he placed on the floor nearby.

''I have programmed a number into your phone. I know a man who may amuse you for a while. He is beautiful, and an enhancer.'' He paused. ''Hisoka, I can’t be certain that if I come back I won’t try to kill you. Perhaps you should change address.'' He paused to smile slightly. ''I have never done the right thing before. It feels strange. I love you. There, I have said it twice now.''

Hisoka wanted to strangle him. Gods, he knew Illumi reacted to threats terribly- he would never forget the slam of deathly aura that had hit when he had threatened to attack Killua. But this?  What was this? What was Kikyo going to _do?_ And he couldn’t even ask.

He could do nothing but watch as Illumi dropped down to press a kiss to his forehead before leaving without a backwards glance, the door shutting firmly behind him. And then it was one long wait as the numbness began to lessen and he could feel the tips of his fingers, and then his whole hands, and then his legs below his knees, and his arms. As soon as he could, he reached for his phone, and rang the one person he knew would be of some help.

''Hello?''

He had to clear his throat before he could speak. ''What would Kikyo do to Illumi if she were to find out about me?''

There was a paused. When Kalluto spoke, he sounded horrified. ''What did you _do,_ Hisoka?''

Well, how rude. ''You’re not helping.''

''Uh, okay, I don’t-'' there was a scrape and some muffled talking in the background, and muffled talking. Hisoka recognised Shizuku’s voice. ''I’m not sure. She treats us all differently. She’ll be angry. What’s going on?''

''I wish I could tell you.'' He muttered as he tested his legs, standing gingerly. Illumi fought so often with his nen that it was almost surprising that he could do something like this with use of little more than knowledge of human anatomy. ''He’s gone to the manor, I imagine. Zeno found out, and Illumi didn’t take it well.''

Kalluto made an exasperated little noise that sounded so much like Illumi that Hisoka’s head hurt. ''Grandfather would never have told Mother, is Illu-ni stupid? Don’t answer that. As for mother... I really don’t know. I’ve never seen her angry, but from what I’ve heard from Milluki, it’s awful.''

''Will she kill him?''

''Of course not!'' Kalluto said testily. ''But she’ll hurt him. In her eyes, this is a betrayal. Can you meet me at the airport?''

 ''Sure,'' He replied blithely, past the point of confusion. Zoldycks were a breed entirely of their own. ''Anything else? You want me to pick up snacks? Some missile launchers? Killua?''

''I know this feels like a game, but you don’t understand my family. The one rule we are brought up with is to never let your loyalty stray from the family, and this isn’t some passing rebellion; Illumi has been hiding you for years. I can’t think of anything that would scare him more than this.''

Hisoka stretched, thinking of Illumi as a child, those solemn eyes that had widened in consternation at Hisoka’s use of the word _friend._ The adult eyes that had sharpened and immediately rejected his use of the word _lover._

''Well,'' he said to Kalluto. ''I’ve never seen him have to face a fear before. This should be fun, hm? And how humiliated he’ll be when he sees the cavalry has come to save him. Shall we go?''

When Kalluto replied, he sounded suspicious. ''Why are you doing this, Hisoka? Really?''

He pocketed his cards and wallet, smiling at nothing. How silly Illumi was, to think he could drop this so easily. ''Because he’s mine, and I’m not done with him yet.''

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also lmao u can never get rid of me, as soon as this fic is finished I'll start posting another- an AU this time, something I've been working on for a couple of months as a side project. Apparently Hisoillu helps me not to stress about uni exams, which is nice!
> 
> Thanks as always to everyone that has stuck by this fic, and to all new readers. Your interest and feedback can make me happy on even the worst days! xo


	10. Belong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end!! I actually reached the end!! Here is the long awaited final chapter, and I'm so grateful to all who have stuck with this and kept reading/leaving kudos/commenting. You guys have kept my spirits up while I write and get on with life, so thank you to the stars and back! xo
> 
> Song: History Book by Dry the River

When Illumi had spoken his demons to his parents; his voice void of all but fact, Silva’s face had not moved. Neither anger nor grief of betrayal. Nothing. How smarting it was to his pride that he was not worth more than mild annoyance from the man who had raised him.

Silva had always been the unattainable goal, when Illumi was a child. The enforcer of his brutal lessons; his model; his target. And even now, as an adult capable of mass slaughter, Illumi was forced to acknowledge that he would never reach that goal. He was without conscience, without friends, without understanding of relations that went deeper than shallow waters.

He was without.

Hisoka had become a liability in exactly the way he had wanted to be, and it galled Illumi as much as it made him soften. His shallow waters of transparent nothingness were clouded with drips and drops of curling ink. Pink like lips and bubblegum, purple like bruises, green like envy, black like power and ambition, red like blood and passion.

He was without, but within, there was now something. It was colouring his thoughts and actions with something other than duty, and though he was torn, he was now something closer to whole.

“Do you think he will come for you?”

Of course he would. Their parting had not been on Hisoka’s terms, and that would not be stood for. Hisoka was many things, but always first was selfish. Illumi hadn’t realised until he was half way home that he had made the mistake of not tying Hisoka down. He should have left him somewhere secure, or hit him hard enough to cause irrevocable damage so that pursuit was not an option. Anything to stop his persistence. Of course, that was no longer an option, and now confrontation was inevitable.

“Illumi?” Kikyo prompted softly, grazing the back of her fingers gently against the torn skin of Illumi’s cheek. The pain was a throbbing reminder of why he would break Hisoka’s legs and throw him back over the gates of the Zoldyck compound, if need be. Because Kikyo’s reaction had been considerably different to Silva’s, and there were few people Illumi felt strongly enough about to wish her anger upon. Hisoka was one of even fewer that he did not want torn by these talons that so easily marred the face of her first child. What would they do to someone truly held in contempt?

“He will come.”

“And will he win?”

“No.”

“No? You have so little faith in the man you chose?”

“It is not a case of little faith, but of rational thinking. Hisoka is too proud to retreat, and you would not scare him. He would lose.”

“How pathetic,” she sighed, still stroking his cheek gently. “Throwing away years, Illumi, _years_ of your life and our trust, for someone so unaccomplished. I despair.”

What was there to say? He would not apologise, as it was worthless under such circumstances. He could not say that he despaired, as he knew no real harm would come to Hisoka. He would make sure of it. Hisoka could not win against a Zoldyck, but he would not have to. He did not speak, and after minutes of silence, Kikyo took her turn again. 

“What would he call you, I wonder. Baby? No, you would not like that, it is too demeaning. Something intimate. What did he call you?”

Illumi didn’t want to answer. It felt like breaking a promise, or speaking a secret. Yet, he was always at the mercy of his mother, and he knew that.

“Darling.”

Kikyo lifted her hand, and Illumi tensed, though she did nothing more than stroke a hand through his hair.

“Darling. How sweet. You know, I think some of these marks might scar.” She said, her hand still tracing his cheek. “They’re deeper than I had intended. Tell me, darling, are you angry?”

“Not particularly.” Illumi said, uncaring when her nails began to dig deeper into the cuts. Blood seeped down his neck and tickled his throat where it gathered. “I suppose I am exasperated with myself, but I have had many years to become well acquainted with my own inadequacies. This is merely the consequence of my failure.”

“Will you attempt to protect him, when he comes?”

“Yes.”

 _“Darling,”_ Kikyo said, digging in harder. “I will make you revile the word. Tell me why you will protect him.”

“Because I love him.”

“And your brothers? Your family? Where is your filial love, Illumi?”

“My feelings for Hisoka do not change my feelings for the family, nor do they change my attitude towards my duties. I am much the same as I always have been.”

“Because you have spent so long lying.” The comment hit like a lash. “You may be the same as usual, Illumi, but that only means that I do not know my son.”

Strange, that he spent so long dreading this moment, and now that it had arrived there was only calm acceptance. Perhaps he truly did have so little inside that he had wasted it all on the build up.

Another presence filled the room, though the silence remained. Illumi did not turn to look, as he knew his father’s aura as well as he knew his mother’s.

“Kikyo, allow me to speak to Illumi alone. We have a guest downstairs, and he has been interested in meeting you for quite some time.”

Illumi’s eyes shot to the door and he stood rigid, ready to sprint. Silva shook his head once, his expression void. Not Hisoka then. Slowly, he sat back down, ready to run should he need to.

“As you say.” Kikyo said quietly. “But don’t take too long. I am not finished.”

Her presence faded, and the smell of jasmine left the air. Illumi had long associated the smell with Kikyo, but his father’s scent was muted. Like the ground after rain, with the crackle of lightning still in the air. Milluki smelt faintly sickly sweets, while Kalluto smelt of honeysuckle and cloying forest. Killua of fresh winds and the same natural energy as his father.

“You need to clean your face.” Silva said.

“If worse is to come, I would prefer not to waste my time.” Illumi replied.

Silva sighed wearily, and Illumi heard the creak of wood that signalled his father had leant against the old desk. He sounded tired, which was faintly amusing. At least Illumi was worth exasperation, if nothing else.

“Who would you pick?”

Illumi didn’t bother to fake confusion. He knew the question that was asked. “I would choose my brothers first, always.” He said, truthfully. Neither Hisoka nor anyone else would be able to keep Illumi from his brothers.

“Would he be happy with that answer?”

“Hisoka wouldn’t like the answer so he wouldn’t ask the question.”

Another sigh. “And how old were you when this began?”

Illumi felt his lips twitch, despite the situation. He had never thought that this would be a conversation he would have with his father.

“It depends on what you consider _this_ to be. I met Hisoka at the age of twelve, though the relationship was certainly a more recent development.”

“And Katsuro? Did he mean nothing?”

“Katsuro meant nothing, as did all the nameless men that came after. Did you not feel the same about mother? Did not all the other women you courted become meaningless?”

“This is not the same.”

“No, because Hisoka is a man, I am not the heir, and I broke your trust.” Illumi agreed.

“Because he is not worthy.”

Illumi did smile then, and he knew the expression was an unpleasant one. The cuts in his cheek contorted, and the flash of agony was almost enough to curb the expression, though not quite. The idea of worthiness was simply too humorous.

“What would make someone worthy of a Zoldyck, father? Social standing, perhaps? I agree, Hisoka did not come from a family that could compete with ours, if he came from one at all. I am half convinced that the bowels of hell spewed him onto the earth already formed. And yet I believe there are few that could match his worthiness, if we consider what would really make him one of us. Ability? Hisoka has plenty. Intelligence? He is far too quick for his own good. He is quick to hurt, to kill, and to inflict suffering in order to meet his own ends. He is entirely selfish. In these regards he would make the perfect Zoldyck.”

“You said none of this to your mother. Why?”

His smile dimmed, falling into his default expression of nothing at all. “I am efficient in all aspects. I do not waste words where they would not be heard.”

“Tell me why we should not dispose of Hisoka. Convince me.” Silva commanded, tension rising like hot steam from the ground. Illumi contemplated, briefly, if he would die this night. In defence of Hisoka, who surely did not deserve it, or merely out of anger: either his own or someone else’s.

“I cannot decide for you, father, as the decision is entirely your own. All I can say is that if you attack, I will intervene. If Hisoka were to take aim at you or another family member, I would do the same.”

“You would protect us against him?”

“Without hesitation. Neither of us has ever been under the illusion that we are exceptions for one another. We may yet come to killing blows.”

“If I ordered you to kill him?”

“I would politely decline.”

“You freely admit that you would kill him, but only on your own terms? Why?”

Illumi’s eyes slid to his father’s. “Anything else would be impolite to the man that has given me so much. It is the same as if he asked me to harm a member of the family. The answer would simply be no.”

“You have never been a broker of peace, Illumi, and I find myself confused. I truly am trying to understand, but your mother’s argument currently possesses more sense, and you are running out of time to give me anything of substance.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say.” Illumi replied, finally standing. He walked through to his adjoining bathroom, leaving the door open so he could continue to speak as he examined his wounds. They were indeed likely to scar, but it was nothing that the fall of his hair could not hide, or that manipulation could not alter. He picked up a cloth and ran it under cold water before he began to gingerly clean. “Hisoka is selfish and has spent almost twenty years warping me until I have reached this stage, and it is far too late to change. What else do you want me to admit? I have explained everything barring the sex, which I assume you don’t want to hear about.”

“You’re right about that.” Silva answered faintly, before clearing his throat and continuing. “I want to know what he has given you that is so substantial that you can no longer go without. There is always a solution.”

“And Hisoka is certainly a problem.” Illumi agreed. The air was full of tension, and he knew that both Silva and Kikyo were on a knife's edge. They were both waiting for Hisoka, whether they would admit it or not. “I don’t suppose you will ever truly understand, father. You were an only child, and always destined for the top. I admit that sometimes, even I am prone to envy, though it has become easier over the years to accept that I will never be first. I am powerful now, but I will not be the best of my brothers forever. I will not inherit. I am not favoured. I am simply what I am, and that is fine. Hisoka, for some reason, favoured me. He still does. I have found an equal, as strange as it may seem, rather than someone below, or someone too high for me to reach out and touch.”

Before Silva could reply, there was a shout of alarm downstairs, the sound of something smashing, and then the unmistakable sound of Milluki’s girlish scream.

Illumi was out of the room before Silva could do as much as turn, though they both landed at the bottom of the stairs within the seconds. He was ready to launch himself into whatever fray was taking place, but found the room frozen.

Stood in the doorway, with Kalluto held out in front like a battering ram or shield, Hisoka grinned.

“Darling, you’re just in time to watch the fireworks.”

Kalluto groaned. “This wasn’t what I had in mind, Hisoka! Put me on the ground!”

Kikyo was stood rigid, so still that Illumi’s stomach clenched. He dared not disturb whatever it was that was holding her to the floor.

Hisoka seemed to agree. “No, cutie, I’m going to keep holding you until your mother realises that whatever she’s planning isn’t worth your death.”

“You’d kill me after everything I’ve done?” Kalluto didn’t even sound surprised.

Hisoka shrugged. “Probably. But that isn’t what I meant. If anyone comes near me, they’re going to have to get through you too, and no one wants that, right?”

“Your rear is exposed.” Milluki said faintly. He still had half a grilled cheese sandwich in one hand, and crumbs on his face. Once glance at Silva confirmed that the entire situation was the most ridiculous thing that had ever happened under their roof, and Illumi had no idea what to make of it.

“My rear is always exposed, but that’s half of the fun.” Hisoka said with a wink. He turned to Illumi and smiled again. “That’s an interesting mark on your face. I’ve always liked a man with scars.”

“You are ridiculous.” Illumi said. “What is this? Heroics? Using my brother as a shield?”

“I’m saving you, clearly.” Hisoka replied. “You couldn’t tell?”

The marble floor under Kikyo cracked. “You have tainted _two_ of my sons?” The growl seemed to echo around the room. Hisoka’s smile fell away, and Kalluto’s face tensed. Illumi readied to intervene.

“I haven’t tainted either of them.” Hisoka said cautiously. “The harder you pull on elastic, the more painful the rebound, my dear. Your sons are your own.”

“Threatening our youngest son is not the way to bargain for your safety.” Silva said calmly. “Put him down and we will discuss what is to happen with both yourself and Illumi."

Illumi saw the movement before it happened.

Nikolai must have come from the library, where he had been talking with Kikyo before Hisoka had arrived. With such a presence, he could not have snuck into the room unnoticed, but he was fast enough not to need it. One moment he was absent, and the next moment he had launched himself at Hisoka’s exposed side, and Illumi had a split second to dart in between the two men.

The room descended into chaos as he felt the hit make contact with his ribs as his needle punctured the vulnerable skin between Nikolai’s shoulder and neck. Kikyo screamed loudly enough to crack glass, and Illumi could do nothing but grit his teeth against the onslaught of noise and pressure as he dug the balls of his feet into the floor and tried not to slip, forcing his way into Nikolai’s scrambled thoughts. But Kikyo was already there, cemented, and Illumi’s power wasn’t enough to change that.

As Nikolai’s fist slowly retracted, the room stood still again. Hisoka peered over Kalluto at Illumi, and smiled faintly when Illumi spat blood on the floor in his direction.

“Bruised ribs?”

“Shattered.” Illumi said. “You will be doing chores alone, until I can speak without spitting out splinters of bone.”

Nikolai stumbled away from Illumi, face grey. “What have I _done?”_

“What I made you do, don’t be contrite.” Kikyo snapped. She shook off Silva’s hands. “Enough of this! Illumi, that could have killed you! What were you _thinking?”_

“I warned you.” He said to his mother softly. The ribs certainly trumped the pain from his face, which in comparison was a pleasant tingle. “If you try again, I will intervene again. It is a case of battering me to death before you reach Hisoka.”

She turned to Hisoka, aghast. “And you? You would watch him beaten to death in your name?”

Hisoka’s smile returned, and he shifted Kalluto until the boy was stood on the ground, though much closer to Hisoka’s torso than before. “I’m not stupid, or as emotionally stunted as Illumi. If you were willing to kill him, you would have done it before I arrived. As for Kalluto... well, he’s sweet. Maybe I’d let him run off before you attacked me. Or maybe not.”

“How many gates did you open?” Silva demanded.

“Three.” Hisoka said. “I was in a rush.”

Nikolai spoke again, his voice harsh. “I did not come here to be used as a weapon against Illumi. I suggest you find some kind of compromise before I am forced to hurt someone again.”

Kikyo’s head snapped round at the sound of his voice, and her mouth curled into a spindly smile. “Oh, that’s right. Illumi, Nikolai here came to ask to court you, and we have accepted his offer.”

“Declined.” He replied shortly. It was becoming more painful to breathe, but he kept himself tall. Any sign of weakness could set Kikyo into motion, and though Silva seemed disinclined to fight, Illumi wanted to be ready.

Kikyo’s smile turned to Hisoka, though her speech was aimed at Illumi. “But he speaks only of praise for you. You left an impact Illumi, and he has offered partnership with our family. A strong man from a noble family with wealth and intelligence, what more could you ask for? Stop this foolishness now. Step away from that man.”

So her game was to hurt Hisoka, then. But there was something Illumi could not understand.

“Why have you not simply crushed his mind, if this is your choice, mother?” He asked.

It was Hisoka that replied. “Because I have bungee gum that will sever Kalluto’s spine if I step away from him, and a card at the back of his neck as insurance. Isn’t this fun? I’m certainly enjoying myself.”

“Illumi.” Nikolai spoke in a serious manner. “This is not what I imagined when I arranged a meeting with your father, but the offer still stands. I suggest you take it, as it seems that anything else will result in bloodshed."

“I suggest you set your sights elsewhere.” Illumi replied. “Besides, what do you want from me? More wealth and power? The prestige of the family name? I have no interest in giving any of it to you.”

“And what does Hisoka want from you?” Silva asked, speaking his name for the first time.

Illumi glanced at Hisoka, who smiled like they were discussing pleasant weather. His eyes were full of mirth. Illumi turned back to his father, though he could not suppress another cough, this one so painful that his eyes watered and blood speckled the white marble. “Hisoka wants my attention. What else? He is like a jealous lap dog.”

“I think I’ve been rather well behaved actually.” Hisoka said. He eyed Nikolai hungrily. “I like this one though. Maybe we should speak, later.”

“If you live.” Nikolai said.

“Attention.” Kikyo repeated faintly. “No one ever wants something as insignificant as attention from a Zoldyck.”

“I have had close to twenty years to take whatever I wanted from your son, and he is still here.” Hisoka said, suddenly serious. “If I wanted power, I could get it elsewhere quite easily. If I wanted wealth, I know many ways to make my own. And if I wanted prestige and the benefit of your family’s name I certainly didn’t go about it the right way, did I?”

Silva sighed. “Alright, I’ve had enough of this.” He turned to Kikyo. “Hisoka is no threat to the family. Let’s end this now.”

 _“How can you say such a thing!”_ she screeched. “He has Kalluto in a death grip and Illumi enthralled!”

Silva scowled. “Illumi isn’t enthralled. If anything, he’s fed up. Can you not see it? Kikyo, you are the only one in this room with death on your mind. Hisoka wants what Illumi willingly gives, and I will think of it no deeper than that.” Hisoka chuckled and eyed Illumi lecherously, to which he ignored, watching his parents. “And if you kill him, it will not correct Illumi’s actions, nor return him to how you wish.”

Kikyo’s mouth quivered, with rage or upset Illumi didn’t know, but after a long pause she nodded heavily. Hisoka had been surprisingly, amazingly reasonable, and it seemed that Kikyo was left with little to fight against at that moment. “Very well.” She looked up again. “Hisoka, if you do anything that so much as smells of treachery against this family, you will die. There will be no trial and no deliberation, you will simply die. I don’t want to see or hear of you. If I do, you die.” She paused to smile, and the expression was nowhere close to calming. “I have rendered cities to rubble without breaking into sweat, so I suggest that you start making sure that your rear is no longer exposed. I am not happy.”

She left without a further word, and after a moment Nikolai followed. He paused in the doorway to nod respectfully. “I will see you soon, Illumi.”

Then there was just Silva, Hisoka, and the three brothers, all stood in an uneasy silence that was only interrupted by the tinkling sounds of glass falling from a broken window. 

“Grandfather is going to be furious when he sees that we’ve cracked the marble. Actually, he probably thought this was going to happen. I bet he's sat laughing somewhere.” Kalluto said. “Oh, and Dad, Chrollo wants to speak to you soon.”

Hisoka was still staring after Kikyo, with an expression of troubled curiosity. “Is your mother planning on killing me?” he asked. Illumi looked to Silva, who shrugged.

“It is likely. We should stay away from the manor for a few months.” Illumi replied, still looking at his father. He was in shock. Both he and Hisoka were alive, and though he may have had a punctured a lung, they were no longer in immediate danger. They were in the eye of the storm; a strange calm that spoke of future wars. But for now, hope was a delicate, blooming flower that he was not familiar with, and it was climbing towards the sun.

Kalluto sighed. “Can you let go of me now?”

Hisoka lifted his hands and stepped up to Illumi, golden eyes familiar and warm. “Are you going to leave me on the floor and run away again?”

“I will if you don’t shut up.” Illumi said. However when Hisoka leaned in and kissed his forehead, he didn’t turn away or reject it. There was a crunch, though when Illumi looked up it was just Milluki, who had stepped on glass while trying to make his exit. He turned red under the scrutiny, and attempted to move the conversation away.

“Illumi, do you need a hospital?” 

“I think I need to sleep and see if this is all just a nightmare.” he replied.

“I agree.” Silva said. He turned to Hisoka, weariness heavy in his features. “Well, you have torn our family, made an enemy of my wife, partially destroyed my home, and turned my son against his parents. Welcome to the family, I suppose.”

Hisoka grinned and bowed as if receiving applause for a majestic performance. “I told Illumi there was nothing to worry about! When put between a rock and a hard place, most people turn reasonable.”

“Most people are not my wife. This is not over yet, though I will try and speak to her.” Silva looked back at Illumi. “You have made your choice, and that is that. I can make no promises; though I agree that you should stay away for the next few months. Perhaps longer. And do not speak to Nikolai.”

Hisoka arched a brow. “Competition?”

“Don’t.” Illumi warned. “You were doing so well. If you lose your maturity now, I may have second thoughts.”

“If there was a time for second thoughts, it was at least an hour ago, before I arrived and we destroyed the equilibrium of the Zoldyck family. We are terrible, aren't we? But you love me anyway."

Illumi looked around the room, at his brothers, his tired father, the blood on the floor, and the smiling man beside him. Stuck between a rock and a hard place? Hisoka had destroyed the rock and waltzed past the hard place. What could Illumi say at this point, other than the truth?

“Yes, I do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here we are! Again thanks to all for reading, and I hope you enjoyed! I should have another AU up shortly, so if you're interested keep your eye out!
> 
> Love to you all! xo


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